Sooo...how about a Christmas baby? I like it!

So here we go into try number five. One through four were a bust, although there was a chemical pregnancy on the second try.

I think my hardest time is during the two week wait. It's just so damn stressful. This last time was really hard on me. We went to a different sperm bank as N told you all about in the previous blog. I felt/feel really good about this decision, but it also meant that we were spending twice the amount on swimmers than we previously had. Obviously this whole money thing won't be an issue once there's a baby bump, but until that happens it seems like we're spending a crazy amount of money even though it really isn't that bad. So, to sum things up, although this bank is more costly and every time we order it I get physically ill, I know it's the right decision and it's for the best. AND even if it doesn't work this time around, the baby thing will STILL be cheaper than a ceremony :-D

So yes, as I said, this two week wait is the most stressful time of my life every single month (if that makes any sense). You eat, sleep, and breathe baby symptoms. I wake up every morning wondering now N feels and whether or not her boobs hurt and should I poke at her to find out. It's awful. It's even worse for N on the receiving end of my insane attempts at finding out whether or not she's in physical pain. As if she would miss a symptom and forget to tell me about it. I don't know how she deals with me.

During the insanely stressful two week wait, I wanted to punch every single person who even looked at me funny in the face. I was a cranky jerk to N ALL THE TIME. I went off on my boss at completely unnecessary times over things I really shouldn't care about, I drove my car way too fast just to be a dick, and I wanted to isolate myself in a dark room until I felt somewhat normal again. Then, even though the result was negative this month, I felt better to finally KNOW something. Really know something! I'm telling you. It's hell. And for some reason, this month was EXTREME hell. If anyone knows me and experienced my ungodly wrath on all things human or inanimate, I apologize. It is now over, and I won't let it happen again.

So yes, now I am fine. N seems to be fine, too. Every single month comes with new hope and it's impossible to not feel that high and be excited every time we try again even though it is exhausting. And holy crap, if I feel this way, I can't even begin to imagine how N is feeling. I love her so much and I am so grateful for everything she is putting herself through for us to be able to have a child. She's an amazing woman, and I appreciate her more than I will ever be able to express. Whatever I am feeling she is feeling times ten, and when I broke this month, she was there for me even though she was feeling like crap, too. She's a god damn saint. I love her more than anything.

More changes this time. We're switching donors again. We'll be staying with the same bank in Minnesota, but we are going with someone who has had more reported pregnancies. This bank will give you an approximate number of reported pregnancies, such as 1-5, 5-10 or 10-15, etc etc. The guy we had picked for November, we just learned this week, had 1-5. The guy we are using in December has 10-15. He has also been in the program a year longer, so that helps his numbers, but it just seems like better odds with the new guy. His baby photo is insanely adorable. He has horrible eyesight so our baby will have big buddy holly glasses like mine, but whatever. There's always lasik ;-)

We are very excited about the next try. N is on a new drug because doctors only recommend the Clomid for up to four cycles (some doctors only three) because the body will stop responding to the drug if used to many times. Things are all new and cleared out and ready, so we are pumped. I can't wait :-) I feel good about it. We will keep you all updated. For real, we will ;-) Love to everyone. Let's hope for a Christmas baby. You know, like Jesus. ;-)

- D

BFN

It's the 14th day post-insemination and we got a B(ig)F(at)N(egative) on the home pregnancy test, so we are calling it this month. There's nothing going on in there. Waiting for a call back from the doctor to see what's next.


♥ N

In the 2WW.

That means "2 week wait," y'all. It's what I am in, right now -- the 2 weeks between the date you inseminate/ovulate and the date you can use a HPT (home pregnancy test). When you use that HPT you hope to see a BFP (big fat positive) and not a BFN (big fat negative) on the damn thing. I have learned TONS and TONS of fun new acronyms since TTC (trying to conceive). Here's one list to give you an example: fertility acronyms & abbreviations

Anywho, it is 9DPI (9th day post insemination) and I have been feeling really sad and frustrated over the past few days. D can attest to this, since I seem to fluctuate between crying and stopping crying only long enough to be pissy with her about something. Because I know what changes happened in my body month #2 - the month we had a chemical pregnancy - I now expect to "feel things" around the 7th or 8th DPI, and if I don't "feel things" then I am convinced it didn't work. I know it is still too early to "call it," but I think we were not successful this time either and I'm so sad/furious/worried/frustrated/broken-hearted, etc. Our money is running out. Our Dr. is going to want us to move on to injectables. My body is totally beat up and my mind is exhausted from monitoring everything I eat, drink, think, and do.   


D and I have no luck. We are not lucky people. But we could really use a little luck right now. Just a little. Just one good egg, one good sperm... 


I need to qualify that. D and I have been lucky in love. We found each other, lost each other, and found each other again, and though we have done a lot of hard work, I would still say that we are very, very lucky. So maybe I should quit feeling sorry for myself, eh?
Probably. 


But this still really effin' SUCKS.


♥ N

Neglectful...so, so neglectful.

We haven't blogged since our 2nd insemination. I know. You don't have to tell me. When we started this project, I failed to realize how resistant I would feel to blogging when there was nothing good, or at least strangely funny, to blog about. I wish no news was good news, but in our case, no news is bad, bad news.

I will fill you in on what has been happening (or not happening) over here in lesbo-baby-makin' land...

Month #2. We inseminate in the janitor's closet at the Dr.'s office and speculate on how the spa-like insemination room must be reserved for first-timers only. On the 8th day after the insem my breasts started to feel weird. Really weird -- like they each had a hot weight inside of them. I almost cried when I had to take my bra off at the end of the day. D insisted they were also bigger/fuller. I concurred. This went on for about 3-4 days, then stopped. My breasts went back to feeling normal and I started having strange cramping; I would cramp and think "oh, I must be getting my period tomorrow" and then... nothing. When my period finally did arrive, it was 5 days late, which was also really unusual. 

I got myself back on track to try again and started taking Clomid. The Dr.'s office wanted me to go ahead and schedule a diagnostic procedure called an HSG as well. The test involves pushing dye through my uterus and fallopian tubes in order to see if I have any blockages that would prevent sperm from meeting egg. I was unsure about whether or not two tries was enough to warrant this procedure, and after I got confirmation from my insurance company that no, they would not pay a dime of the $2000 it would cost, we decided to hold off and give it a few more tries. 

When I went in for the ultrasound appointment, I told our Dr. about what a strange month I had had and he insisted that I had been pregnant - for a minute. For whatever reason, although the egg fertilized and implanted itself (the changes to my breasts could only have happened if the egg had implanted successfully and begun pumping out the massive doses of hormones needed for pregnancy, according to the Dr.), the pregnancy was not viable and ended before it had really begun. This is called a "chemical pregnancy," folks. He took the HSG off the table as an option at that point - he was that confident that sperm and egg could meet. He told us he would like to see us try twice more before we move on to more aggressive, injectable, fertility drugs.  

Month #3. A whole lotta nuthin'. At this point, our dear Dr. changed his tune and wanted us to go ahead and schedule the HSG. The procedure would help him determine if I have additional fibroids that may be preventing pregnancy; we had seen one fibroid hanging out on the outside of my uterus during our ultrasounds, which shouldn't effect my ability to conceive, but perhaps there were more we couldn't see... The nurse told us that she would list the procedure under a non-fertility code so that maybe, just maybe, our insurance would cover it. I went in a few days after my period ended and we saw this:

(Yes, I took a photo on my phone. It's my guts, people! It's cool.) What you see there is dye filling up my uterus, traveling down my fallopian tubes, and *exploding* out of the tubes on either side. What that means is that there are no additional fibroids inside of my uterus and my tubes are clear/unblocked. These are all GOOD THINGS. Or, to put it another way, there is no good goddamn reason that I am not preggers yet. 


The upside to having this procedure done, other than the obvious one of ensuring that I am in working order, is that it actually increases your chances of pregnancy for the next 2-3 months. Clears everything out, I guess, and makes it easier for egg and sperm to do their traveling. Obvs, D and I need all the help we can get.


We made some big changes heading into IUI #4. The biggest of these was changing the sperm donor and the sperm bank it was coming from. Our thinking was: if there is nothing about my body that is preventing pregnancy from occurring, then maybe it's him... 

Or maybe it's this dinky sperm bank we're using because it's close and cheap. They are still using sperm that is over 12 years old and they've always been too curt for my liking. After reading up on some LGBT fertility message boards, D and I decided to go with Cryogenic Labs in Minnesota because of all the info you can get for free - baby photos, silhouettes, and audio interviews. We fell in love with a couple of guys there and D made the final decision. This donor we chose is also an Open ID donor - which means the kid will be able to contact him, if s/he wishes, when s/he turns 18. (Yes, we chose to go this route even after seeing The Kids Are All Right. Of course, I made D promise that she wouldn't sleep with the dude 19 years from now. A girl's gotta cover her bases.)


This sperm is costing us 2x as much cash as the dinky sperm, but I am really, really happy with our decision. Although we discussed using an Open ID donor extensively when we started this process - and decided against it - I had some misgivings about our decision to go with an anonymous donor. I was/am uncomfortable with the idea of making life-changing and irreversible decisions for another human being, and starting our relationship with our child out on that foot felt, well, wrong (I feel similarly about circumcision, fyi).


Altogether, this month we got new sperm from a new bank, we were inseminated in a new room we had never been in before, and we were inseminated by a new doctor. SO MUCH NEWNESS. We are hoping all of these changes will turn our luck around. 1 week down, 1 more to go until testing.


There's more I could say, but I'm exhausted. I promise I won't be as neglectful in the future, friends. 


♥ N

Swim boys, swim!

This was in the insemination room today:

I want one. Can someone make that happen?

This morning was lovely. We woke up around 7am, and were at the Cryobio clinic by 8 to "release" the sperm. Oddly, while I was signing out Mr. LX 2017 there was a gentleman checking in next to me to do the deed. I thought the sperm bank would have a system in place that ensured that never the twain shall meet... I mean, what if I bumped into our donor while I was walking in to sign away his babyjuice? That seems problematic - especially because I would probably chase him out of the building and follow his car home in order to find out every possible bit of information I could about him.

We had an hour to kill before the procedure, so D and I had breakfast at Bob Evans. At 9am we were back at the Dr.'s office, writing them a ridiculously large check (our insurance company finally kicked back all of the bills they were not going to pay for), and being taken to a private room. Now, the first time around, we were placed in a beautiful room with a very contemporary, softly-lit, relaxing ambience. Felt very spa-ish. That must be the "1st Time Only" insemination room because this time we were taken to a hideous room that felt as though the 80's had thrown up all over the walls. However, it did have the really cool sperm timer in it, so I suppose that's something ;)

We did have a couple of good signs this time (we think). 

1. An IUI isn't painful, per se, but last time there was a definite pinch when the catheter was inserted through the opening in my cervix which caused instant cramping. According to the info I found, when you time the IUI right (at ovulation) this won't hurt because the cervix will be open. There was no pinch this time, so I think the timing was right on. 

2. The sperm count for our sample was even higher this time around for whatever reason.

3. All of the planets were aligned. Just kidding.

By 9:20 it was all over and D and I were on our way home. Slowly. With me lying down in the back seat. D picked me up several trashy mags on the way as a bribe to stay lying down when we got back to the house. It worked. I have been prone most of day. I even had a margarita - to relax! So I feel confident in saying that I have done everything I could possibly do to help sperm meet egg. The rest is on them. 

*fingers crossed*

♥ N

Take Two

Unfortunately, dear readers, I am not sitting here writing this blog post to you "with-child." D and I found out on the 27th that our first attempt at insemination was a bust. I will be honest with you -- the experience was more disappointing than I was expecting it to be. I thought I was mentally prepared for a negative test result (because, really, what is the likelihood of anyone getting preggers the very first time they try?), but apparently I had let some small sliver of hope slip in there somewhere and I was emotional about it not happening for us.


It was a weird couple of days... On one level, I knew that it was not my fault that conception didn't happen - that I didn't do anything wrong - but it was still my body that had failed us. D says it's not a question of "failing," but that's how it felt, subjectively. I am sure my particular feelings have something to do with my perfectionist, control-freak tendencies and the fact that I hate to fail, at anything, ever. (These are not my most charming qualities, mind you.) Please don't misunderstand: I don't mean to be melodramatic about it not happening this first time. It might not happen many, many more times, at which point, I will allow myself to feel justifiably devastated. I just wanted to share my surprise at how emotionally invested I became so quickly, despite my best intentions.


All of that said, D and I are heading into attempt deux. (I will say, one of the better things about this process is that once you find out whether or not it "worked" you are already halfway to trying again, which is nice.) Yesterday we had an ultrasound to check out the size of my follicles (where the eggs are developing, yo) and the doctor saw one "beautiful" follicle that was ready to go, and one other that could possibly release an egg, though it was a tad small/underdeveloped. The "beautiful" follicle looked something like this big, black splotch:

"Beautiful" Follicle

He gave the go-ahead for my hCG shot to be given to me that night between 9-9:30pm. We weren't expecting that - last month there was a 2-day delay between the ultrasound and when I should receive the shot - and, horror of horrors, D was scheduled to work that night! What to do?!?

Like I said in an earlier post, I am phobic when it comes to needles. Still, it had occurred to me that inflicting a needle on myself might be more tolerable than the anticipation of waiting to feel a needle inserted by someone else... I decided to stop being such a ninny and shoot myself up. I drank a margarita, numbed the site with some icecubes, and, with shaking hands/shaking legs, stuck myself in the thigh. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. I was immensely pleased with myself.  

We will be inseminating for the second time tomorrow morning, bright and early. I feel good. This time, instead of going shopping for hours and lifting heavy things, I will be taken directly home after the big event and made to lie down for the next 24 hours. All the while, I will be visualizing this (more than slightly creepy) image:

I just realized that I don't think either D or I have explained the entire process of lesbian baby-makin,' as it is happening for us. Here's the low-down of what happens when you are TTC (trying to conceive) with donor sperm given through an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) while on Clomid.


Day 1: first day of period (full-flow)


Day 3: begin taking Clomid - 1 pill a day for the next 5 days (besides making sure you produce an egg/eggs by ramping up your estrogen levels, Clomid will also ensure that you have a chronic background headache, are dizzy/nauseous, are more irritable than usual, and can cry at the drop of a hat) 


Day 12: head to Dr. for vaginal ultrasound (totally unprepared for that!) - you will be able to check out your baby-makin' parts on the big screen. If you're really lucky, like I am, you will also find fun stuff in there that you weren't expecting, like fibroids.


Day 13, 14, or 15: give yourself, or have someone you really trust give to you, an hCG shot to trigger ovulation (9-9:30pm). 


Day 15, 16, or 17: ovulation occurs 36-40 hours after hCG shot. Head to Dr. at hour 36 to inseminate (9-9:30am).


Wait 14 interminable days. 


Take pregnancy test on the 14th day after insemination. Cry or throw a party or both, depending.


Ta-da! That's the bare-bones of it. Here's a website that helped answer many of D and I's questions if you want more info, like I always do:
http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html


What's problematic, of course, is that I need to check out infertility sites for the best/most comprehensive info on the procedures I am undergoing and I have to go to an infertility clinic in order to have them done. And yet, I am not infertile - at least, we hope not! - I just don't have access to sperm in the same way my hetero peers do. At the same time, I cannot receive the insurance benefits that could potentially be applied to our medical costs if I had a diagnosed infertility issue. I call bullsh*t. And heterosexual privilege.


That's enough for today! Send us your good vibes at about 9am tomorrow -- 8am for you Chicago folks! And send D some text-message love so she feels extra-virile ;)


♥ N

The time is now! Or more specifically, Friday morning.

I know we have literally hundreds of faithful followers who look religiously on a daily basis to see if we have posted anything new about the baby-makin' process. To all of our fans, I apologize it has taken me so long to update this blog. I know, I know, we left you hanging for so long you were forced to look at stupid people's blogs and tweets like Zac Efron, or Robert Pattinson and Lindsay Lohan. Oh, the horror. But it's fine now! Here's a new blog!

Okay, so realistically, the five people who read this, me and N included, I must say we haven't updated in so long because there has been nothing to update. UNTIL NOW!! Now I have tons! I'm brewing a whole coffee pot to stay up long enough to write all of this out! Prepare yourselves...

The last few weeks have been filled with N reading tons of books about this whole process. I was supposed to, but always found other things to do like play on facebook, almost burn the house down trying to learn how to BBQ, watch a movie, or sell my car for a cheaper monthly payment. Finally, I bought "The Expectant Father" because I was told it would be a good option for either male or female readers who aren't the birth mother or simply the partner of the birth mother. I have to say, it's okay, but also quite interesting how they market books to men. I'm stuck having to look at a "New Yorker" style cartoon every other page designed to "hold your interest!" It's like society is saying it's okay for men to need cartoons to stay involved in the baby-makin' process. Come on, society!! Anyway, I learned a lot by reading what I have read so far and N has learned a ton from her books. We are definitely feeling good and ready for this. We've also allowed ourselves to become emotionally involved and attached to this whole thing happening, so let's hope it works out. Otherwise this could take us years to get over! And quite frankly, I don't want to deal with that! :-)

While waiting, we've also been picking out names we like. How crazy, huh? I know we're getting ahead of ourselves but we simply can't help it. No lie. And speaking of getting ahead of ourselves, I bought a baseball the other day so I can play catch with our future kid! Yeah!

Tonight (Wednesday night) I get to give N a shot that will make her ovulate in 36 hours. Friday morning we go into the doctors office at 9am for the insemination. We have to be at the sperm bank next door at 8am to legally release the sperm over to the doctors office. LX 2017, I hope you're ready! Apparently we will be!

I was told by the doctor that I would be able to be a part of the insemination. I'll be allowed to actually insert the sperm. I'm very, very excited and grateful for this opportunity. I've also been practicing the sound effects I will make as I push the plunger. Something like "ccchhhhhoooooi!" or maybe very simply "cha ching!" or whispering very softly as it goes in "Let's go, little guys! Swim on! Swim well!" Or course this is all in my imagination because if I actually did all of this, N would be so turned off her uterus would literally shut itself off as to prevent her from having a child with someone who talks to sperm.

Oh, did I mention Friday is Friday the 13th? We're hoping this means good things for us rather than bad. We're pretty sure it's an awesome thing though. Literally kick-ass awesome.

So after all of this we have to wait another two weeks until we can do a home pregnancy test to see if LX 2017 really is all he's cracked up to be.

Speaking of LX 2017, we ordered his extended family health history as well as his donor essay. Let's hope N's smarts will be enough to make this baby come out right. He openly admitted to donating sperm to "pay the bills" which is something we all suspected anyway, right? It was for some reason just weird to see it openly admitted! He also claims we will be "more than happy with the results" if we pick his sperm. Let's hope so, you conceited fertile man!

Anyway, wish us luck on the 13th. We know it's slightly far fetched that this will work the first time but we're hoping it will. I will be sure to let you all know what happens. Thanks for reading! I love you all!

- D Scissors

Drugs and needles and sperm, oh my!

It has been a couple of weeks since either of us have updated this blog but, honestly, there hasn't been much to update. Picking the donor and deciding - again - that yes, we do want to do this thing (for-REAL-for-real) has left us in a place where now we wait.

And wait. 

And wait and wait and wait.

I think I am only just beginning to realize how much of this process will be spent... waiting.

In the past few weeks I have taken the requisite blood tests and our repro doctors want to put me on a mild fertility drug called Clomid. My progesterone levels, though high enough to safely assume that my body is ovulating, were slightly lower than what they like. Clomid increases the odds of achieving pregnancy by making extra, EXTRA sure my body produces an egg (or eggs - there is a *slightly* higher chance of twins on the drug) that month. 

While the upside to this is that, barring-unforeseen-difficulties-fingers-crossed, D and I can expect to be pregnant within 3 months, tops, the downside is that my entire cycle is now out of my hands. Taking the Clomid during my period will be followed by an ultrasound to check the development of the eggs (at $356-$499 each time), and THE SHOT ($60 each time) that will force the eggs to *pop.*

I am not naive and I am, generally, opposed to unnecessary medical intervention, but at the cost of $360 for one batch of sperm and $350 for the insemination it makes sense to want to ensure that we are not throwing $710 down the tubes because my body failed to produce the necessary egg that month. You feel me?

Anyways. Today I ordered the drugs and the sperm. It's for-real-for-REAL now. By tomorrow our donor's frozen sperm will be pulled out from storage and kept for us somewhere... else. That was kind of exciting. 

But, truth be told, what was really exciting was hearing that THE SHOT does not need to be injected into my muscle, but is to be injected into my top layer of fat (I have many layers, for the record). 

I DESPISE needles. I get worked up over blood draws days in advance. I became worried when my preggo books informed me that the shot *may* need to be injected into my muscle. Thank goodness that is not the case. Still... I'll make D do it. She'll probably enjoy it ;)


♥ N

You did WHAT?!

Ask me what I did last night. Go on, ask!! I picked a donor. It has taken me this long to pick a G-D donor. N and I narrowed it down to three, and she left it in my hands to pick the right one. It took me forever. It was between the guy who looks like me (in our opinions, not the photo match person Donna, who I think is awesome and want to be her friend), and the guy we think is super hot and has the same nose as me. We picked.....HOT GUY! He's taller, to cancel out N's tendencies towards dwarfism. (I love you, N. All 4'11" of you (-; ) Plus no one in his immediate family has had cancer. Not that it matters, but I like it on paper.

The guy who looks like me is second pick, so if this super hot guys sperm doesn't work like it damn well should, we'll move on. I'm so excited. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I can't help it. I keep thinking it's going to be a boy. I think though that we're just convincing ourselves it will be a boy so we won't kill ourselves if it is one since we will have been processing the shock of raising a boy for 12 months straight. That way if it does come out a girl we will be thrilled, and it will be unexpected awesomeness.

Also, I'm pissed off kids cost so much money. I need a new job. F'real. Immediately. I'm not kidding. I think the universe should recognize that we're going to rock at this parenting thing and let us do it for free. You know, all expenses paid baby-makin' and baby-raisin'. Oh man, once N pops that kid out this blog is going to be re-named to baby-raisin'. I'm looking forward to that.

We've also had some pretty awesome support. It seems like everyone is in the baby-makin' process and has some wisdom to share with me, or is just willing to listen to me ramble on about how we're about to start but haven't really started anything yet. It's a weird place to be, but I'm grateful to everyone who is willing to listen. Am I still going to be able to listen to bad ass rap music when the baby is here? Because I like me some really bad stupid rap music like Usher 'lil freak. It's my guilty pleasure at the moment. Can I teach our kid to rap? Because I'm super good at it and I want to pass that on. I missed my calling. I don't want him/her to do the same! I'm tired, and going to bed because I'm talking stupid at this point.

Listen everyone, I love you all, and I want you all to send good vibes to this dude's sperm. Let's make it super powerful so it'll bust that egg up, f'real. (Rap music, OFF). Peace!

- D

Baby-makin' = fun?

At times, I beg to differ. As exciting as this all is, N has never wanted to leave me so badly than a few times over the last couple months due to our baby-makin' bickering. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly take the blame since I tend to freak out over any and every conversation having to do with money. Plan for the baby to come our way? WHAT?!?! ARE YOU INSANE? I MAKE 8.40 AN HOUR! "We need to set money aside..." "Are you insane? The kid isn't even here yet!" "I know..so if we don't have the money now, why are we doing this?" Then, a voice inside my head....shit. She's right. I have no argument. How do you argue with someone who is talking straight facts? You can't!! The only solution is to stop buying so many damn clothes and coffee, set the money aside and shut my pie hole. THAT'S baby-makin'.

On another note, N and I have never been more in love. The sky is a brighter blue, there are shockingly more butterflies and the grass is much, much greener. The children who ruin the books at my bookstore are suddenly much more tolerable, and I seem to enjoy my life a bit more. That, as well, is baby-makin'. Also, due to stress over picking a god damn donor has helped me lose weight. Perfection!!

Speaking of donors, I'm having a hell of a time. The right thing to do is pick the guy who looks most like me. I, of course, want to pick the hottest guy. I'm torn. Hot baby, or baby with similar features? Let's take a step back:

On Wednesday the 16th, N and I had our first baby-makin' doctors appointment. He is incredibly fantastic, supports calm, non-abrasive discussions and wants this all to go as smooth and easy as possible. He's great! Plus he wears one earring. Just the one. It's some hot bling. We heard some great news. This shouldn't be all that hard. When we expressed our need to get preggers within the next year, he seemed as though we had given him much, much more time than he knew what to do with. He seems to think three months, at most, will do the trick. Given the cost of this entire procedure, this was good news. Plus I want to talk to N's tummy as soon as possible and make it listen to Hanson via old school headphones. I think I'll get an LP player for the occasion, so the baby can appreciate the rich, beautiful tone only an LP can provide. Back to money. Each time we try will be about 700 dollars. A five minute procedure costs 350 bucks. Seriously, you ask? Yes, seriously. It's okay. It'll be worth it. I've heard good things about children, so, well, you know. We heard all good news at this appointment, and it put many of our fears to rest. Muy bueno.

So we bought a few pictures of some of the donors we really like. As N spoke of before, we narrowed it down quite a bit. We did a photo match, which means we gave the sperm bank a few photos of me, and they took our top picks and matched me to the one I have the most similar features to. Our favorite guy came in third. We bought the silhouette of the guy who came in first and decided we're not really a fan, so we'll most likely still go with numero tres even though the lab person who compared my features to the donors called him a "sleeper in the race." I can't stop looking at profiles, though. I'm addicted. Not only that, but everywhere I turn I'm literally checking out every guy I see, looking at his features and considering them all potential sperm donors. It's insane!

So, I need to wrap this up. Point is, I'm super excited. I'm thrilled to share this experience with N. She's fantastic and she's going to be a great mom. I love her more than anything and I can't wait to raise a whole entire little person based on our beliefs. I don't want to get ahead of myself, because, as always, there's a good chance this will all go horribly wrong and it'll be just the two of us forever. I'm totally fine with that. I have every belief that N and I are more than enough to entertain each other for the rest of our lives and be very, very happy - just the two of us. However, I think to add a little person with so much cuteness bursting out of it would only make things better.

On a completely different note, I got totally burned while marching in the Pride parade yesterday. It sucks a lot. Also, I saw Justin Bieber 20 times yesterday in the crowd. That boy gets around. I love you all. I actually do...(as this is a selectively shared blog). xoxoxo

D to the Money to the P

p.s.

D just called me from Target where she's killing time waiting for her car to be fixed to tell me about a "really cool" stroller they have there. I told her it may be a little early to purchase a stroller. 

I picked a good co-mom :)


♥ N

Results?

We got some donor photos yesterday. It was kind of a big deal. We also scammed the sperm bank, just a little. Here's the happenings:


First, I had a wonderful lunch with my dissertation advisor. Talking to her about D and I's decision to begin baby-makin' was something that I was majorly concerned about. In my worst-case-scenario, the decision to get pregnant while in grad school would "mommy-track" me - refiguring me in my advisor's eyes as someone who wasn't "serious enough" about my scholarly work and professional career to merit serious time and attention anymore. D was bothered that I would let my advisor's opinion *possibly* derail our project, but I have a lot of respect for my advisor and if she thought having a baby now would be akin to shooting myself in the foot, I would definitely have given this whole thing some more thought. Producing good scholarly work, followed by having a career in academia, are still right at the top of my list of priorities. If a baby had to wait for a few more years, it would just have to wait... but happily I don't think that is the case.


My advisor was both totally supportive and SUPER-excited for D and I. She is also a lesbian, with a long-term partner and a young child, and she was a wealth of knowledge about the process we are about to embark on. I left the meeting with a promise to trade porno films for books on pregnancy & childbirth (I'm the one getting the baby books, in case that was unclear), and feeling both personally and academically supported. I think D and I have a real advocate here now, and won't feel quite so alone as we navigate this whole thing. It was *wonderful* and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. For realz.


(Am I still scared sh*tless? Duh. I almost hyper-ventilated on the way to our first repro appointment today, but that's another story.)


Floating on air after that conversation, I got home and there, staring at me from D's spam mailbox, are the links to the 2 donor photos we purchased. I actually started shaking, I suddenly got so nervous. So I called D and she freaked out with me - "Okay! Okay! I am on my way home right now!" - and then I waited for her to get home so we could look at them together. 


It.was.the.longest.11.minutes.of.my.life.


She got home, we smooched, we sat down in front of our 24" computer monitor, and then we clicked. 


!!!


Guy #1 = TOTALLY NOT ATTRACTIVE. Average-to-above-average my ass, sperm bank. No. Absolutely not. I slid the photo into the trashbin and D calmly ripped his donor profile to shreds.


Guy #2 = ...


This guy could be D's 1st cousin. Sh*t you not. Curly brown hair, "distinct, perfect brows," long lashes, twinkling hazel eyes, and an impish little smile. We were delighted. So we looked. And then we looked some more. We were smitten.


Then D looked at the address for the links we had been given and, scam artist that she is, realized you could simply plug other donor numbers into the address and *bam!* there are their photos! Photos that would cost us $50 each if we were law-abiding folks. We checked out our other 2 donor choices who have photos available and nixed another one right off the bat. The second we are keeping in the "possibly, maybe" file. He's not unattractive, but he doesn't look like D, so... probs not. I stopped her from looking at every single donor in the database that way - I was worried they could track that somehow and we would wind up getting a bill for $8,000 - but maybe I will let her do that after all... I'm feeling rebellious after getting some more pricing-information from the insemination folks today. Ugh.


But I will have to write about what we found out today another time. I'm a tad drained from my mid-afternoon freak-out and I have a dinner date in an hour.


♥ N

Sleepless

I can't sleep.


Today I had my annual gynie exam. I told my nurse practitioner that my partner and I were planning to get pregnant within the next year - fingers crossed! - and we talked health insurance and ways I could tweak some requests in order to ensure that certain procedures would be covered. That was much appreciated. 


Then she told me that I had an "enlarged uterus." I asked her what on earth that meant, and she said that if I was in a heterosexual relationship she would assume I was about, oh, 8 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, all the way home I wondered whether or not it was possible that I had somehow, miraculously, thought myself pregnant. Either that, or accidentally sat on a semen-covered toilet seat 2 months ago.


According to my NP, it is far more likely that I have either:
1. An abnormally large uterus, considering my diminutive stature - the size of "a naval orange, as opposed to a - more appropriate - pear;" or
2. A harmless uterine fibroid.


I prefer to imagine that I have subconsciously willed my body into mimicking pregnancy in order to better prepare for REALBABY.


In other news, D and I have narrowed down ye olde sperm donors to a modest "Top 8." For a measly $100 we should be receiving photos of our top 2 contenders tomorrow - OH!THESUSPENSE! - and for a truly measly $30 we are sending off a request for the people at the sperm bank to "photomatch" D to our top 8 candidates. Since not all of our top 8 choices have approved a photo release (jerks.), having someone at the sperm bank rank the donors in order of likeness to D is as good as we can get to determining appearance and attractiveness.


Assessing donor profiles is a really strange process. The information you are provided with is so minimal and so... odd. Here is an example:


PHYSICAL AND PERSONAL INFORMATION:
RACE: Caucasian
ETHNIC ORIGIN: French-English-German
MARITAL STATUS: Single
RELIGION: Christianity (Totally confused as to why the addition of religion. I don't think his religious beliefs are imprinted onto his genetic code.)
HEIGHT: 5’11
WEIGHT: 160
HAIR COLOR: Brown
HAIR TYPE: Straight
EYE COLOR: Brown
EYE SIGHT: Good
SKIN COLOR: Medium
BLOOD TYPE: 0+
BONE TYPE: Medium
YEARS OF COLLEGE: 6
AREA OF STUDY: MS: Education


Note: All Cryobiology donors are average to above average looking men. Noted distinguishable characteristics such as a large nose or full lips are relative comparisons to other donors and not indicative of unattractive features. I LOVE this. I mean, thank god attractiveness is, you know, totally objective and can be determined scientifically by the good ladies and gentlemen at the sperm bank. 


DETAILS:
- square face shape
- sharp, defined, chiseled facial features
- non-prominent cheekbones
- average set, round shaped eyes that are an expressive chocolate color I should certainly hope his eyes are "expressive." That's kind of an eye's job (well, other than seeing, of course).
- dark brows and lashes that are noticeable
- thin nose rounded at the end
- prominent bridge between eyes I have no idea what this means.
- thin lips, pink color
- shy, crooked smile with upturned corners Awww... suddenly, in my mind's eye, I find this fellow with the "shy, crooked smile" endearing. I can envision his wholesomely sheepish grin and "aw shucks" shrug of the shoulders as he passes his beaker full of healthy fresh sperm over to the waiting clinician... Yeah. 
- smooth complexion
- baritone voice
- easygoing, patient, quiet personality OMG, does this mean my baby will also be easygoing, patient, and quiet? SOLD. Bring it on Mr. Crooked Smile.
- enjoys a wide spectrum of activites from camping and canoeing to fine arts and music A regular renaissance man!
- tall, slim body type 


So, as you can see, it's... weird. D and I are taking this info with a grain of salt - I mean, really, what else can we do with it? Better we find a donor who is a decent physical match for D and nurture our child's personality and interests as they develop. Isn't that all any parent can do?

(Though we did nix every single donor who had the word "fraternity" in his profile ;)

Stay tuned for the results of the photos - DYING INSIDE FROM SUSPENSE! - tomorrow. G'night.

♥ N

Baby-Makin': an introduction

For some months now, D and I have been itching to start a blog of our very own. After all, all of our friends are doing it. So, we tried. We just weren't *inspired* you could say. We needed... something... a project, a muse, a gimmick. And then we got one. We decided to have a baby. A baby would give our lives a sense of purpose and *bonus* we would have something fascinating to blog about. We are hoping to blog through this entire process - from pre-conception, to conception, to preggo, to baby. I imagine that this might be a real challenge; the odds are high that this experience will have some serious low points and, of course, there are no guarantees that it will all end well. But my love and I are not to be deterred. Lesbian baby-makin' is on the agenda.


♥ N