Neglectful...so, so neglectful.

We haven't blogged since our 2nd insemination. I know. You don't have to tell me. When we started this project, I failed to realize how resistant I would feel to blogging when there was nothing good, or at least strangely funny, to blog about. I wish no news was good news, but in our case, no news is bad, bad news.

I will fill you in on what has been happening (or not happening) over here in lesbo-baby-makin' land...

Month #2. We inseminate in the janitor's closet at the Dr.'s office and speculate on how the spa-like insemination room must be reserved for first-timers only. On the 8th day after the insem my breasts started to feel weird. Really weird -- like they each had a hot weight inside of them. I almost cried when I had to take my bra off at the end of the day. D insisted they were also bigger/fuller. I concurred. This went on for about 3-4 days, then stopped. My breasts went back to feeling normal and I started having strange cramping; I would cramp and think "oh, I must be getting my period tomorrow" and then... nothing. When my period finally did arrive, it was 5 days late, which was also really unusual. 

I got myself back on track to try again and started taking Clomid. The Dr.'s office wanted me to go ahead and schedule a diagnostic procedure called an HSG as well. The test involves pushing dye through my uterus and fallopian tubes in order to see if I have any blockages that would prevent sperm from meeting egg. I was unsure about whether or not two tries was enough to warrant this procedure, and after I got confirmation from my insurance company that no, they would not pay a dime of the $2000 it would cost, we decided to hold off and give it a few more tries. 

When I went in for the ultrasound appointment, I told our Dr. about what a strange month I had had and he insisted that I had been pregnant - for a minute. For whatever reason, although the egg fertilized and implanted itself (the changes to my breasts could only have happened if the egg had implanted successfully and begun pumping out the massive doses of hormones needed for pregnancy, according to the Dr.), the pregnancy was not viable and ended before it had really begun. This is called a "chemical pregnancy," folks. He took the HSG off the table as an option at that point - he was that confident that sperm and egg could meet. He told us he would like to see us try twice more before we move on to more aggressive, injectable, fertility drugs.  

Month #3. A whole lotta nuthin'. At this point, our dear Dr. changed his tune and wanted us to go ahead and schedule the HSG. The procedure would help him determine if I have additional fibroids that may be preventing pregnancy; we had seen one fibroid hanging out on the outside of my uterus during our ultrasounds, which shouldn't effect my ability to conceive, but perhaps there were more we couldn't see... The nurse told us that she would list the procedure under a non-fertility code so that maybe, just maybe, our insurance would cover it. I went in a few days after my period ended and we saw this:

(Yes, I took a photo on my phone. It's my guts, people! It's cool.) What you see there is dye filling up my uterus, traveling down my fallopian tubes, and *exploding* out of the tubes on either side. What that means is that there are no additional fibroids inside of my uterus and my tubes are clear/unblocked. These are all GOOD THINGS. Or, to put it another way, there is no good goddamn reason that I am not preggers yet. 


The upside to having this procedure done, other than the obvious one of ensuring that I am in working order, is that it actually increases your chances of pregnancy for the next 2-3 months. Clears everything out, I guess, and makes it easier for egg and sperm to do their traveling. Obvs, D and I need all the help we can get.


We made some big changes heading into IUI #4. The biggest of these was changing the sperm donor and the sperm bank it was coming from. Our thinking was: if there is nothing about my body that is preventing pregnancy from occurring, then maybe it's him... 

Or maybe it's this dinky sperm bank we're using because it's close and cheap. They are still using sperm that is over 12 years old and they've always been too curt for my liking. After reading up on some LGBT fertility message boards, D and I decided to go with Cryogenic Labs in Minnesota because of all the info you can get for free - baby photos, silhouettes, and audio interviews. We fell in love with a couple of guys there and D made the final decision. This donor we chose is also an Open ID donor - which means the kid will be able to contact him, if s/he wishes, when s/he turns 18. (Yes, we chose to go this route even after seeing The Kids Are All Right. Of course, I made D promise that she wouldn't sleep with the dude 19 years from now. A girl's gotta cover her bases.)


This sperm is costing us 2x as much cash as the dinky sperm, but I am really, really happy with our decision. Although we discussed using an Open ID donor extensively when we started this process - and decided against it - I had some misgivings about our decision to go with an anonymous donor. I was/am uncomfortable with the idea of making life-changing and irreversible decisions for another human being, and starting our relationship with our child out on that foot felt, well, wrong (I feel similarly about circumcision, fyi).


Altogether, this month we got new sperm from a new bank, we were inseminated in a new room we had never been in before, and we were inseminated by a new doctor. SO MUCH NEWNESS. We are hoping all of these changes will turn our luck around. 1 week down, 1 more to go until testing.


There's more I could say, but I'm exhausted. I promise I won't be as neglectful in the future, friends. 


♥ N

You did WHAT?!

Ask me what I did last night. Go on, ask!! I picked a donor. It has taken me this long to pick a G-D donor. N and I narrowed it down to three, and she left it in my hands to pick the right one. It took me forever. It was between the guy who looks like me (in our opinions, not the photo match person Donna, who I think is awesome and want to be her friend), and the guy we think is super hot and has the same nose as me. We picked.....HOT GUY! He's taller, to cancel out N's tendencies towards dwarfism. (I love you, N. All 4'11" of you (-; ) Plus no one in his immediate family has had cancer. Not that it matters, but I like it on paper.

The guy who looks like me is second pick, so if this super hot guys sperm doesn't work like it damn well should, we'll move on. I'm so excited. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I can't help it. I keep thinking it's going to be a boy. I think though that we're just convincing ourselves it will be a boy so we won't kill ourselves if it is one since we will have been processing the shock of raising a boy for 12 months straight. That way if it does come out a girl we will be thrilled, and it will be unexpected awesomeness.

Also, I'm pissed off kids cost so much money. I need a new job. F'real. Immediately. I'm not kidding. I think the universe should recognize that we're going to rock at this parenting thing and let us do it for free. You know, all expenses paid baby-makin' and baby-raisin'. Oh man, once N pops that kid out this blog is going to be re-named to baby-raisin'. I'm looking forward to that.

We've also had some pretty awesome support. It seems like everyone is in the baby-makin' process and has some wisdom to share with me, or is just willing to listen to me ramble on about how we're about to start but haven't really started anything yet. It's a weird place to be, but I'm grateful to everyone who is willing to listen. Am I still going to be able to listen to bad ass rap music when the baby is here? Because I like me some really bad stupid rap music like Usher 'lil freak. It's my guilty pleasure at the moment. Can I teach our kid to rap? Because I'm super good at it and I want to pass that on. I missed my calling. I don't want him/her to do the same! I'm tired, and going to bed because I'm talking stupid at this point.

Listen everyone, I love you all, and I want you all to send good vibes to this dude's sperm. Let's make it super powerful so it'll bust that egg up, f'real. (Rap music, OFF). Peace!

- D

Baby-makin' = fun?

At times, I beg to differ. As exciting as this all is, N has never wanted to leave me so badly than a few times over the last couple months due to our baby-makin' bickering. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly take the blame since I tend to freak out over any and every conversation having to do with money. Plan for the baby to come our way? WHAT?!?! ARE YOU INSANE? I MAKE 8.40 AN HOUR! "We need to set money aside..." "Are you insane? The kid isn't even here yet!" "I know..so if we don't have the money now, why are we doing this?" Then, a voice inside my head....shit. She's right. I have no argument. How do you argue with someone who is talking straight facts? You can't!! The only solution is to stop buying so many damn clothes and coffee, set the money aside and shut my pie hole. THAT'S baby-makin'.

On another note, N and I have never been more in love. The sky is a brighter blue, there are shockingly more butterflies and the grass is much, much greener. The children who ruin the books at my bookstore are suddenly much more tolerable, and I seem to enjoy my life a bit more. That, as well, is baby-makin'. Also, due to stress over picking a god damn donor has helped me lose weight. Perfection!!

Speaking of donors, I'm having a hell of a time. The right thing to do is pick the guy who looks most like me. I, of course, want to pick the hottest guy. I'm torn. Hot baby, or baby with similar features? Let's take a step back:

On Wednesday the 16th, N and I had our first baby-makin' doctors appointment. He is incredibly fantastic, supports calm, non-abrasive discussions and wants this all to go as smooth and easy as possible. He's great! Plus he wears one earring. Just the one. It's some hot bling. We heard some great news. This shouldn't be all that hard. When we expressed our need to get preggers within the next year, he seemed as though we had given him much, much more time than he knew what to do with. He seems to think three months, at most, will do the trick. Given the cost of this entire procedure, this was good news. Plus I want to talk to N's tummy as soon as possible and make it listen to Hanson via old school headphones. I think I'll get an LP player for the occasion, so the baby can appreciate the rich, beautiful tone only an LP can provide. Back to money. Each time we try will be about 700 dollars. A five minute procedure costs 350 bucks. Seriously, you ask? Yes, seriously. It's okay. It'll be worth it. I've heard good things about children, so, well, you know. We heard all good news at this appointment, and it put many of our fears to rest. Muy bueno.

So we bought a few pictures of some of the donors we really like. As N spoke of before, we narrowed it down quite a bit. We did a photo match, which means we gave the sperm bank a few photos of me, and they took our top picks and matched me to the one I have the most similar features to. Our favorite guy came in third. We bought the silhouette of the guy who came in first and decided we're not really a fan, so we'll most likely still go with numero tres even though the lab person who compared my features to the donors called him a "sleeper in the race." I can't stop looking at profiles, though. I'm addicted. Not only that, but everywhere I turn I'm literally checking out every guy I see, looking at his features and considering them all potential sperm donors. It's insane!

So, I need to wrap this up. Point is, I'm super excited. I'm thrilled to share this experience with N. She's fantastic and she's going to be a great mom. I love her more than anything and I can't wait to raise a whole entire little person based on our beliefs. I don't want to get ahead of myself, because, as always, there's a good chance this will all go horribly wrong and it'll be just the two of us forever. I'm totally fine with that. I have every belief that N and I are more than enough to entertain each other for the rest of our lives and be very, very happy - just the two of us. However, I think to add a little person with so much cuteness bursting out of it would only make things better.

On a completely different note, I got totally burned while marching in the Pride parade yesterday. It sucks a lot. Also, I saw Justin Bieber 20 times yesterday in the crowd. That boy gets around. I love you all. I actually do...(as this is a selectively shared blog). xoxoxo

D to the Money to the P