Sooo...how about a Christmas baby? I like it!

So here we go into try number five. One through four were a bust, although there was a chemical pregnancy on the second try.

I think my hardest time is during the two week wait. It's just so damn stressful. This last time was really hard on me. We went to a different sperm bank as N told you all about in the previous blog. I felt/feel really good about this decision, but it also meant that we were spending twice the amount on swimmers than we previously had. Obviously this whole money thing won't be an issue once there's a baby bump, but until that happens it seems like we're spending a crazy amount of money even though it really isn't that bad. So, to sum things up, although this bank is more costly and every time we order it I get physically ill, I know it's the right decision and it's for the best. AND even if it doesn't work this time around, the baby thing will STILL be cheaper than a ceremony :-D

So yes, as I said, this two week wait is the most stressful time of my life every single month (if that makes any sense). You eat, sleep, and breathe baby symptoms. I wake up every morning wondering now N feels and whether or not her boobs hurt and should I poke at her to find out. It's awful. It's even worse for N on the receiving end of my insane attempts at finding out whether or not she's in physical pain. As if she would miss a symptom and forget to tell me about it. I don't know how she deals with me.

During the insanely stressful two week wait, I wanted to punch every single person who even looked at me funny in the face. I was a cranky jerk to N ALL THE TIME. I went off on my boss at completely unnecessary times over things I really shouldn't care about, I drove my car way too fast just to be a dick, and I wanted to isolate myself in a dark room until I felt somewhat normal again. Then, even though the result was negative this month, I felt better to finally KNOW something. Really know something! I'm telling you. It's hell. And for some reason, this month was EXTREME hell. If anyone knows me and experienced my ungodly wrath on all things human or inanimate, I apologize. It is now over, and I won't let it happen again.

So yes, now I am fine. N seems to be fine, too. Every single month comes with new hope and it's impossible to not feel that high and be excited every time we try again even though it is exhausting. And holy crap, if I feel this way, I can't even begin to imagine how N is feeling. I love her so much and I am so grateful for everything she is putting herself through for us to be able to have a child. She's an amazing woman, and I appreciate her more than I will ever be able to express. Whatever I am feeling she is feeling times ten, and when I broke this month, she was there for me even though she was feeling like crap, too. She's a god damn saint. I love her more than anything.

More changes this time. We're switching donors again. We'll be staying with the same bank in Minnesota, but we are going with someone who has had more reported pregnancies. This bank will give you an approximate number of reported pregnancies, such as 1-5, 5-10 or 10-15, etc etc. The guy we had picked for November, we just learned this week, had 1-5. The guy we are using in December has 10-15. He has also been in the program a year longer, so that helps his numbers, but it just seems like better odds with the new guy. His baby photo is insanely adorable. He has horrible eyesight so our baby will have big buddy holly glasses like mine, but whatever. There's always lasik ;-)

We are very excited about the next try. N is on a new drug because doctors only recommend the Clomid for up to four cycles (some doctors only three) because the body will stop responding to the drug if used to many times. Things are all new and cleared out and ready, so we are pumped. I can't wait :-) I feel good about it. We will keep you all updated. For real, we will ;-) Love to everyone. Let's hope for a Christmas baby. You know, like Jesus. ;-)

- D

BFN

It's the 14th day post-insemination and we got a B(ig)F(at)N(egative) on the home pregnancy test, so we are calling it this month. There's nothing going on in there. Waiting for a call back from the doctor to see what's next.


♥ N

In the 2WW.

That means "2 week wait," y'all. It's what I am in, right now -- the 2 weeks between the date you inseminate/ovulate and the date you can use a HPT (home pregnancy test). When you use that HPT you hope to see a BFP (big fat positive) and not a BFN (big fat negative) on the damn thing. I have learned TONS and TONS of fun new acronyms since TTC (trying to conceive). Here's one list to give you an example: fertility acronyms & abbreviations

Anywho, it is 9DPI (9th day post insemination) and I have been feeling really sad and frustrated over the past few days. D can attest to this, since I seem to fluctuate between crying and stopping crying only long enough to be pissy with her about something. Because I know what changes happened in my body month #2 - the month we had a chemical pregnancy - I now expect to "feel things" around the 7th or 8th DPI, and if I don't "feel things" then I am convinced it didn't work. I know it is still too early to "call it," but I think we were not successful this time either and I'm so sad/furious/worried/frustrated/broken-hearted, etc. Our money is running out. Our Dr. is going to want us to move on to injectables. My body is totally beat up and my mind is exhausted from monitoring everything I eat, drink, think, and do.   


D and I have no luck. We are not lucky people. But we could really use a little luck right now. Just a little. Just one good egg, one good sperm... 


I need to qualify that. D and I have been lucky in love. We found each other, lost each other, and found each other again, and though we have done a lot of hard work, I would still say that we are very, very lucky. So maybe I should quit feeling sorry for myself, eh?
Probably. 


But this still really effin' SUCKS.


♥ N

Neglectful...so, so neglectful.

We haven't blogged since our 2nd insemination. I know. You don't have to tell me. When we started this project, I failed to realize how resistant I would feel to blogging when there was nothing good, or at least strangely funny, to blog about. I wish no news was good news, but in our case, no news is bad, bad news.

I will fill you in on what has been happening (or not happening) over here in lesbo-baby-makin' land...

Month #2. We inseminate in the janitor's closet at the Dr.'s office and speculate on how the spa-like insemination room must be reserved for first-timers only. On the 8th day after the insem my breasts started to feel weird. Really weird -- like they each had a hot weight inside of them. I almost cried when I had to take my bra off at the end of the day. D insisted they were also bigger/fuller. I concurred. This went on for about 3-4 days, then stopped. My breasts went back to feeling normal and I started having strange cramping; I would cramp and think "oh, I must be getting my period tomorrow" and then... nothing. When my period finally did arrive, it was 5 days late, which was also really unusual. 

I got myself back on track to try again and started taking Clomid. The Dr.'s office wanted me to go ahead and schedule a diagnostic procedure called an HSG as well. The test involves pushing dye through my uterus and fallopian tubes in order to see if I have any blockages that would prevent sperm from meeting egg. I was unsure about whether or not two tries was enough to warrant this procedure, and after I got confirmation from my insurance company that no, they would not pay a dime of the $2000 it would cost, we decided to hold off and give it a few more tries. 

When I went in for the ultrasound appointment, I told our Dr. about what a strange month I had had and he insisted that I had been pregnant - for a minute. For whatever reason, although the egg fertilized and implanted itself (the changes to my breasts could only have happened if the egg had implanted successfully and begun pumping out the massive doses of hormones needed for pregnancy, according to the Dr.), the pregnancy was not viable and ended before it had really begun. This is called a "chemical pregnancy," folks. He took the HSG off the table as an option at that point - he was that confident that sperm and egg could meet. He told us he would like to see us try twice more before we move on to more aggressive, injectable, fertility drugs.  

Month #3. A whole lotta nuthin'. At this point, our dear Dr. changed his tune and wanted us to go ahead and schedule the HSG. The procedure would help him determine if I have additional fibroids that may be preventing pregnancy; we had seen one fibroid hanging out on the outside of my uterus during our ultrasounds, which shouldn't effect my ability to conceive, but perhaps there were more we couldn't see... The nurse told us that she would list the procedure under a non-fertility code so that maybe, just maybe, our insurance would cover it. I went in a few days after my period ended and we saw this:

(Yes, I took a photo on my phone. It's my guts, people! It's cool.) What you see there is dye filling up my uterus, traveling down my fallopian tubes, and *exploding* out of the tubes on either side. What that means is that there are no additional fibroids inside of my uterus and my tubes are clear/unblocked. These are all GOOD THINGS. Or, to put it another way, there is no good goddamn reason that I am not preggers yet. 


The upside to having this procedure done, other than the obvious one of ensuring that I am in working order, is that it actually increases your chances of pregnancy for the next 2-3 months. Clears everything out, I guess, and makes it easier for egg and sperm to do their traveling. Obvs, D and I need all the help we can get.


We made some big changes heading into IUI #4. The biggest of these was changing the sperm donor and the sperm bank it was coming from. Our thinking was: if there is nothing about my body that is preventing pregnancy from occurring, then maybe it's him... 

Or maybe it's this dinky sperm bank we're using because it's close and cheap. They are still using sperm that is over 12 years old and they've always been too curt for my liking. After reading up on some LGBT fertility message boards, D and I decided to go with Cryogenic Labs in Minnesota because of all the info you can get for free - baby photos, silhouettes, and audio interviews. We fell in love with a couple of guys there and D made the final decision. This donor we chose is also an Open ID donor - which means the kid will be able to contact him, if s/he wishes, when s/he turns 18. (Yes, we chose to go this route even after seeing The Kids Are All Right. Of course, I made D promise that she wouldn't sleep with the dude 19 years from now. A girl's gotta cover her bases.)


This sperm is costing us 2x as much cash as the dinky sperm, but I am really, really happy with our decision. Although we discussed using an Open ID donor extensively when we started this process - and decided against it - I had some misgivings about our decision to go with an anonymous donor. I was/am uncomfortable with the idea of making life-changing and irreversible decisions for another human being, and starting our relationship with our child out on that foot felt, well, wrong (I feel similarly about circumcision, fyi).


Altogether, this month we got new sperm from a new bank, we were inseminated in a new room we had never been in before, and we were inseminated by a new doctor. SO MUCH NEWNESS. We are hoping all of these changes will turn our luck around. 1 week down, 1 more to go until testing.


There's more I could say, but I'm exhausted. I promise I won't be as neglectful in the future, friends. 


♥ N