CD1, Attempt #6

Got my period today and so cycle #6 begins. I have been such a Debbie Downer that I haven't felt much like blogging, but I am up for it today. (I think.) Thank you for thinking of D and I and sending us your nice thoughts, friends-on-the-interwebs :)

Tomorrow, I start taking Femara. 5mg, days 2-6. Wednesday, I will go in for a "baseline ultrasound." I have never had one of these on CD3 so I am curious as to what it will tell us. We will also pick up the Bravelle from the Doc on Wednesday. 

D and I have decided to go ahead and insist on 2 insems this month. It may mean throwing money away, but if we don't do it and we don't get PG, I know I will kick myself. It absolutely is worth it for my piece of mind. Because of that, we are back to the drawing board in terms of sperm. The bank we have been using for the past 2 months is too expensive for us to use again, much less to use to buy twice as much sperm. Bye-bye Cryogenic Labs! You were no bloody help to us anyway. We are currently debating between switching to Midwest Sperm Bank OR going back to donor #1. Midwest is super-affordable (only $200 a vial!) and their sperm supposedly has fantastic numbers. I hope the message boards are right. We are also tossing around the idea of going back to donor #1. He had fantastic numbers (always between 23-28 million motile sperm) and we did get that one chemical pregnancy with him... We just aren't sure yet. We will have to make a decision this week.

It is a real struggle to think positively/feel hopeful at this point, but I am trying. I am also trying to get my ass back on the treadmill. For realz. I have gained a lot of weight since TTC, and adding the injectables this month only guarantees that I will gain even more. Of course, if it all results in a baby, I will thank each and every new pound personally. Heck, I'll even take them out to a restaurant, maybe get 'em a lil' massage! ;)

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and a happy, healthy, and *lucky* new year!

♥ N

14DPI

10DPI --> warning: not a happy post

Pity party for 1, please.


Last night I lost it a bit. Couldn't stop crying. Not feeling ANYTHING whatsoever and pretty convinced this month was a bust too. Today I went to the pharmacy to pick up our Femara to try again next cycle, because I will prob get my period while we are out of town for the holidays and we will need it on day 2.


I hate, hate, hate to sound like a brat - because I see wonderful women on the message boards everyday who have been trying for a lot longer than we have with no luck either - but WTF?!? What are we doing wrong? It wasn't supposed to be this hard, considering that we have medicalized this process from the beginning. 3 - 4 cycles, max. Now, I realize much of this process is out of everyone's/anyone's hands, but c'mon --> It's supposed to be SCIENCE! 


It must be me. My sh*t doesn't work and I am throwing thousands and thousands of dollars down the toilet. Dollars we don't have. I am as barren as the gd Sahara desert. Nothing can survive in me. My uterus is an inhospitable wasteland, just like my soul.

My gd uterus. And soul.

I hate this. I hate everything about this f*cking process and what it's doing to my f*cking body and how I feel about myself. I want to quit. I wish I felt like a baby was worth my sanity, but you know what? I don't. Maybe that's why I am not PG yet. I don't want this bad enough and the universe knows.


Well, f*ck you universe. Blow it out your f*cking ass.


>:/ N

8DPI

Feeling a whole lotta nothing so far. But it's still early.


In other news, D and I had our 2nd consult with the RE on Tuesday - the first since we have started this process. When we saw him a week ago for the insemination we were pretty devastated because we had just found out that our sh*tty insurance provider is refusing to pay for my HSG procedure. (They have paid for NOTHING thus far.) This means we will have to fork over $2000 to pay for it ourselves. I should make t-shirts:

I paid $2000 and all I got was this lousy camera-phone photo.

I was in tears during the insem because paying for that procedure means we can't afford to move on to more aggressive baby-makin'. I must have looked pretty pathetic because he told us he would not charge us for the consult and not to worry, he wasn't "giving up on us."

On to the consult: Doc was pretty adamant about moving on to more aggressive treatment if this month does not result in a pregnancy. The oral is obviously not enough to get me PG. He wants to keep me on the Femara days 2-6, but I am going to add injectables to the mix on days 7-12. One shot a day, subcutaneous (in the fat, thank gawd), for 5 days. I can handle that. He assured us that adding injectables would triple our chances of getting pregnant that month. Holy f*ck, if that's the case, bring it on! 

However, being on injectables also means a lot more monitoring - multiple ultrasounds and multiple blood work-ups (and multiple babies!). Blergh. But here's the *wonderful* bit: Doc is going to find us the drugs at no cost to us (-$1000) and he is only going to charge us for 1 ultrasound (-$700), so that, after everything's said and done, this month on injectables will cost us no more that what we have been paying each month on the oral meds.

!!!

This was/is *amazing* news. We are both extremely grateful, but... we also feel like this is the right thing for our Doc to do. I mean, he charges us $235 for a 3 minute insemination and $356 for a 7 minute ultrasound. We have given him $3000 over the past 5 months, for what has probably totaled no more than 1 hour of his time. That's a pretty hefty hourly rate, in my opinion ;)


Of course, we are still hoping we will not have to take him up on this offer! 

creepiest Barbie ever.

On a slightly different note, there is something I have been paranoid about for the past 3 months and I don't know what to do about it. I have been triggering ovulation every month with an HCG shot --> Pregnyl. And every month I get these paranoid feelings that we *missed* my ovulation. My Doc says that that is not possible - that every IVF procedure depends upon those eggs staying in their follicles until hour 36 - but I am unconvinced. I'm only 4'11" and 120lbs... Isn't it possible the drugs are too strong and that I ovulate earlier on it? If I ovulated as early as hour 12 then by the time we inseminated at hour 36 the egg would be DEAD. That's my concern.


The internet is no help here. Half the things I read reiterate what my doctor says, and the other half say it's possible to ovulate anytime 12-48 hours after the shot. I feel as though if there's nothing wrong with my body, and nothing wrong with the sperm, then it has to be the timing, doesn't it? *sigh*


I need to keep reminding myself that the bridge you cross before you come to it is over water that isn't even there. 


6 more days till testing. 

5DPI

IF an egg was fertilized it would have made its way to my uterus by now. It could implant anytime between today and day 12.

Implant, little bugger! Implant, for god's sake!!!

I mean, I love you, sweet fertilized egg. Please, if you could be so kind, and if it's not an inconvenience to you, implant.

Thank you.

♥ N

1DPI

If everything went according to plan, then sometime between 9:30am yesterday morning and 9:30am today, fertilization took place. Now there is nothing to do but (eat pineapple and) wait. 


The insem went okay. New Dr. this time (there are 4 different RE's at the practice we go to), who talked kinda disparagingly about our Dr.'s methods. I asked him about the bruise and swelling I had at the trigger shot injection site and his reply was something like: "well, Dr. X insists on using subcutaneous shots because they are easier on the patient and this is the kind of thing that happens, blah, blah, blah." It was weird. I hardly need one doctor diminishing my confidence in my doctor before a procedure like that, must less implying that patients who don't do intramuscular shots are some kind of infertility wimps. On top of it, he couldn't get the catheter through my cervix - it took several attempts and some bearing down - and then when he did, he just went ahead and injected the sperm. Hey, that's D's job, a**hole! D wasn't pissed about it because she was worried about the bang-up job he was doing to my lady-parts, but I didn't appreciate his presumption. I had lots of cramping and some spotting yesterday as a result of everything, but I am hoping none of that will effect anything. I don't see why it would.


D and I came home from the insem and took a nap, which was lovely. When she got up to go to work, I sat down to do my own work and broke up long periods of sitting at my desk with some gentle stretching to get the blood flowing. I also ate 1/5 of a pineapple, including the core, around midnight when D brought it home. And that's pretty much it for yesterday. Pretty boring, huh? I know. Truth is, I indulge in my boredom now because I figure when a baby's here boredom will be a luxury I can no longer afford. 


I hope all of your own projects are fruitful these days, friends!


♥ N

Pineapple, you say?

I write to you filled with 13.1 million spermies. Or at least I was filled with 13.1 million spermies before they started dying off approximately two and a half hours ago. 

And, actually, I was filled with 69 million spermies, but only 13.1 million of those were not dead, beheaded, or swimming aimlessly in circles after the Big Thaw so those are the ones that count. 

I will update more on the insem later, but I wanted to post something I read today and that I am about to embark upon: the consumption of pineapple to help induce implantation.

I found this on a forum in BabyCenter:

Pineapple Core has what is called bromelain that will help with implantation. 

Using Pineapple to Assist Implantation: Pineapple contains bromelain. Bromelain is a proteolytic enzyme that breaks up proteins that inhibit embryo implantation. Consuming a whole pineapple (focusing on the core as it has the highest concentration of Bromelain) during a fertility cycle can be beneficial.
For IVF [in vitro fertilization] cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day of your embryo transfer.
IUI [intra-uterine insemination] cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day of your IUI.
Timed intercourse cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day after ovulation.
Note: Be careful not to start consuming pineapple too early in the cycle. Beginning to consume pineapple BEFORE the recommended days above can actually affect your vaginal and cervical mucus PH, making it more acidic.

And I found this on Answers.com:

[zmandel] I know that pineapple contains the enzime Bromelain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bromelain) , which can act as a blood thinner. Another blood thinner, Aspirin, is used in fertility treatments (http://www.sharedjourney.com/articles/aspirin.html) to improve circulation. This may increase blood suply to the necessary areas the body needs for implantation. 
Regarding bromelain, it is mostly on the stem of the pineapple. Canned pineapple has no bromelain because it has been heated, so the fruit has to be eaten fresh. 
Another note: Must be eaten with empty stomach, otherwise the bromelain is not absorbed by the blood, and instead, being an enzime, will aid to digest the food in your stomach. [/zmandel]

I am intrigued enough to try it. D just walked in the door with a fresh pineapple. Maybe this is the little bit of help we need :D

♥ N

In all seriousness...

Tomorrow we go in for the fifth insem to date. I'm really excited about this one, and so is N. After going off of Clomid, it's as though her body has gone back to normal which is a great sign. There have been a lot of positive results from switching over to Femera after Clomid, so that's a positive as well. We also still have two tries left (including the one tomorrow) to take advantage of the procedure she had last month to clear out her tubes and make sure there was no blockage. All signs point to yes.

We will be having a different doctor tomorrow as well. As much as I love our regular doctor, he seems to cause physical pain to N during the insem procedures, so a new doctor might be a little more gentle. Speaking of loving our regular doctor, he has agreed to give us our next consult for free after telling him we would have to cancel because our insurance doesn't cover us sitting down with him for ten minutes and we don't want to pay that 300 dollars. Although his generosity brought me to very small almost unnoticeable tears, I think he owes us. Not him personally, I guess, but the universe. So thanks, universe. Now give us a baby!

We also found out our insurance won't be covering the procedure she had done, so that's another couple grand we could be using towards baby. Our doctor also says he will fight this for us, so we'll see. We're not getting our hopes up, though. And another crappy thing we were informed of is my being called upon for jury duty! How lame. Maybe if I act crazy they'll dismiss me.

So, keep your fingers crossed for us. The current time for us is 11:11 and you best believe we both just made our wishes. I can't tell you what it is, though ;-) The end of our two week wait will fall while we're out of town for the holidays. We don't think we'll test. If it was a positive it would be the best Christmas ever, but if it were negative, it would ruin everything. But I don't want to think like that. All the signs are SO GOOD! I have complete faith in this month and that things will go great. If you build it, they will come. How about that!? I just got done reading The Alchemist so I'm feeling quite positive and as though we can do anything. Let's keep it that way, yeah?

Final thoughts: Don't watch the movie Vampires Suck. I will never be able to get that time back.

Love to everyone,

D

My letter to Donor # 2xx1.

2xx1, this is my letter to you. I'm rooting for you. No matter how much money you cost me, just know I love you and I support you and I have faith in you. What I'm getting at, is that I hope there's a lot of forward moving swimmers in this damn vial tomorrow and that you'll find the effin' egg. It's not that hard. You're inserted RIGHT NEXT TO IT. Just swim up to it and GO IN. I mean, really. If you're not smart enough to do that, I don't want you as half of my kid's genetic material. There's this beautiful golden amazingly glowing egg and you don't want in? Then get the hell out of here! I don't want you!

But honestly, let's just get it over with. Just swim in. I know it's powerful and strong and beautiful and doesn't need you because she's doing just fine without you thank-you-very-much but I promise if you go in, she won't be upset. She might act like she's resistant to you, but I promise, she will love you. I know, I know, she keeps glaring at you and only sneaks a smile here and there to keep you interested, but HURRY UP AND DO IT. You don't live that long! Sorry to break it to you, but your time is precious. You and the egg will live a very happy life together. The courtship you two will share is like meeting, dating and marrying a women's studies major. I get it! Not that easy, but incredibly rewarding, I promise!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to meeting you tomorrow. I hope you get my gf pregnant.

Love,

D

Ready, set... go!

Haven't had the time or energy for a real post, so here's a quick-n-dirty update:


D and I had our CD11 ultrasound on Monday, and were given the go-ahead to trigger Monday night. The Dr. saw only one follicle that was ready to go - alas! - but one is all we need. He also saw - and this was good news post-Clomid - a thick uterine lining (11 mm). We are heading in to inseminate tomorrow morning bright and early. 


I had a weird response to the trigger shot last night, for some unknown reason. The first 4 were pretty much a non-issue, but this time was really painful and I am still sporting a bruise and red, raised skin. Not sure what to make of it, but will check with the Dr. tomorrow, just in case... Hopefully it's nothing.


I will say that this cycle - my 1st cycle in 4 months NOT on Clomid - felt remarkably different. Ready for TTC TMI? (If you are not someone trying to conceive, I recommend you skip this bit!) I have had a ton of CM this month - making me realize that I haven't had ANY for at least two months. None. Nada. Not having CM is one of the negative side effects of Clomid that make it harder to get pregnant (not that this effects us because with an IUI we bypass the cervix entirely). But, I figure if I was having one negative side effect of Clomid, I was most likely having others as well that did effect our chances (i.e. an insufficient uterine lining). Ya feel me? It appears that off of Clomid, my body has reverted right back to a healthy normal state, which is super-reassuring. Go lady-parts!


We have a lot of reasons to feel good about this month (see here), so we are excited. Well, excited within reason/balanced with caution, I guess. We're certainly not giddily excited like we were the first few times, when every insemination seemed full of possibilities. (Okay, I'm lying. We do still get kinda excited everytime we do it, even still.)


Here's to hoping.


♥ N

This is hilarious to me right now.

Mompetition: Preconception Mompetition: "Sometimes the war starts before the zygote is even warm. Warning: If you have not battled the infertility monster, you may not fully appre..."

Obsess much?

I am really obsessing about getting PG this month - reading lesbian pregnancy blogs, checking out fertility forums, googling different combinations of words to find new and interesting info about this process. I don't think I've been this obsessed since try #1.


Please let this insemination come soon. And please let it work.


♥ N

Lucky No. 5

Hello friends on the interwebs -
Today is CD7 of baby-makin' attempt #5. It is also the last day of my Femara dosage, aka this month's drug of choice, aka the drug that is going to put a baby in this belly, come hell or high water! Here's some photos of the goods:

Yes, it says not to take this drug if you plan on becoming pregnant. No, this drug is not FDA approved as a fertility/infertility drug. It is conventionally used to treat breast cancer, actually. However, the drug has the (unintended) side effect of causing women to superovulate. Which is why we're using it. Don't worry, it's fine. I swear. But I appreciate your concern.


Also, these bad boys came in the mail today:

These are the syringes and the medicine we use to "trigger" the release of my eggs, hence the name: "trigger shot." The HORRIFYING needles attached to the syringes are only used to draw the medicine into the syringe. The itty-bitty guys above them (a half-inch long and super-thin) are the ones we use to inject me. It's really not so bad, but again, I appreciate your concern.

That's our cat, Frankie. She has nothing to do with this blog entry, but isn't she pretty? :)


D and I switched donors AGAIN. We were able to talk to a supervisor at the very expensive sperm bank we are currently using and she was willing to give us the (approximate) number of pregnancies for several different donors. It turns out that the donor we went with last month has only achieved 1-5 pregnancies. Granted, he's only been in the program a year, and maybe he's just not been that popular, but D and I really want to stack the deck in our favor at this point. Knowing he may only have gotten 1 woman pregnant in a year's time was a little worrisome... Luckily, one of the other gentlemen in our "All-Time Top 3" babydaddies has achieved 10-15 pregnancies - and he's only been on the market since November 2008! 10-15 pregnancies in two years sounded mighty good to us, so that's who we are going with for lucky try #5. We're hoping to receive some really *powerful* stuff this time around --> "super" sperm, even.

(Maybe D should wear this costume at the insemination?)

After some back and forth about the ethics of posting our donor's baby photo, I've decided: f*ck it, who cares? You can download it for free on the sperm bank's website, so it's not really a *secret* per se. Anywho, here he is, friends:

Cute, huh? The eyes are totally D. The hair doesn't have D's curl, but we'll keep our fingers crossed. According to the ladies at the bank, grown-up donor resembles Shia Lebeouf. I could live with that.

Emotionally, I feel really, really good about our odds this month. I am actually impatient to get in there and get inseminated already! This is unusual for me; I'm typically dreading it because I'm terrified of the disappointment of getting another BFN. Here's why I/we are feeling so dang good this month:

1. Super-donor's super-sperm.
2. The switch to Femara. The research I have been doing points to a number of women who, although they successfully ovulate on Clomid, will never get pregnant on the drug because of the side effects that make egg implantation difficult, if not impossible. Many of these women go on to get pregnant immediately once they stop taking Clomid or switch to Femara. 
3. We are still reaping the benefits of the HSG. For the 3 months following this procedure a woman's odds of getting pregnant are increased.
4. We would be testing on Xmas. How could we fail?!? Surely the universe is not that cruel.

So there you have it. Now I need to get some work done. 


♥ N

Sooo...how about a Christmas baby? I like it!

So here we go into try number five. One through four were a bust, although there was a chemical pregnancy on the second try.

I think my hardest time is during the two week wait. It's just so damn stressful. This last time was really hard on me. We went to a different sperm bank as N told you all about in the previous blog. I felt/feel really good about this decision, but it also meant that we were spending twice the amount on swimmers than we previously had. Obviously this whole money thing won't be an issue once there's a baby bump, but until that happens it seems like we're spending a crazy amount of money even though it really isn't that bad. So, to sum things up, although this bank is more costly and every time we order it I get physically ill, I know it's the right decision and it's for the best. AND even if it doesn't work this time around, the baby thing will STILL be cheaper than a ceremony :-D

So yes, as I said, this two week wait is the most stressful time of my life every single month (if that makes any sense). You eat, sleep, and breathe baby symptoms. I wake up every morning wondering now N feels and whether or not her boobs hurt and should I poke at her to find out. It's awful. It's even worse for N on the receiving end of my insane attempts at finding out whether or not she's in physical pain. As if she would miss a symptom and forget to tell me about it. I don't know how she deals with me.

During the insanely stressful two week wait, I wanted to punch every single person who even looked at me funny in the face. I was a cranky jerk to N ALL THE TIME. I went off on my boss at completely unnecessary times over things I really shouldn't care about, I drove my car way too fast just to be a dick, and I wanted to isolate myself in a dark room until I felt somewhat normal again. Then, even though the result was negative this month, I felt better to finally KNOW something. Really know something! I'm telling you. It's hell. And for some reason, this month was EXTREME hell. If anyone knows me and experienced my ungodly wrath on all things human or inanimate, I apologize. It is now over, and I won't let it happen again.

So yes, now I am fine. N seems to be fine, too. Every single month comes with new hope and it's impossible to not feel that high and be excited every time we try again even though it is exhausting. And holy crap, if I feel this way, I can't even begin to imagine how N is feeling. I love her so much and I am so grateful for everything she is putting herself through for us to be able to have a child. She's an amazing woman, and I appreciate her more than I will ever be able to express. Whatever I am feeling she is feeling times ten, and when I broke this month, she was there for me even though she was feeling like crap, too. She's a god damn saint. I love her more than anything.

More changes this time. We're switching donors again. We'll be staying with the same bank in Minnesota, but we are going with someone who has had more reported pregnancies. This bank will give you an approximate number of reported pregnancies, such as 1-5, 5-10 or 10-15, etc etc. The guy we had picked for November, we just learned this week, had 1-5. The guy we are using in December has 10-15. He has also been in the program a year longer, so that helps his numbers, but it just seems like better odds with the new guy. His baby photo is insanely adorable. He has horrible eyesight so our baby will have big buddy holly glasses like mine, but whatever. There's always lasik ;-)

We are very excited about the next try. N is on a new drug because doctors only recommend the Clomid for up to four cycles (some doctors only three) because the body will stop responding to the drug if used to many times. Things are all new and cleared out and ready, so we are pumped. I can't wait :-) I feel good about it. We will keep you all updated. For real, we will ;-) Love to everyone. Let's hope for a Christmas baby. You know, like Jesus. ;-)

- D

BFN

It's the 14th day post-insemination and we got a B(ig)F(at)N(egative) on the home pregnancy test, so we are calling it this month. There's nothing going on in there. Waiting for a call back from the doctor to see what's next.


♥ N

In the 2WW.

That means "2 week wait," y'all. It's what I am in, right now -- the 2 weeks between the date you inseminate/ovulate and the date you can use a HPT (home pregnancy test). When you use that HPT you hope to see a BFP (big fat positive) and not a BFN (big fat negative) on the damn thing. I have learned TONS and TONS of fun new acronyms since TTC (trying to conceive). Here's one list to give you an example: fertility acronyms & abbreviations

Anywho, it is 9DPI (9th day post insemination) and I have been feeling really sad and frustrated over the past few days. D can attest to this, since I seem to fluctuate between crying and stopping crying only long enough to be pissy with her about something. Because I know what changes happened in my body month #2 - the month we had a chemical pregnancy - I now expect to "feel things" around the 7th or 8th DPI, and if I don't "feel things" then I am convinced it didn't work. I know it is still too early to "call it," but I think we were not successful this time either and I'm so sad/furious/worried/frustrated/broken-hearted, etc. Our money is running out. Our Dr. is going to want us to move on to injectables. My body is totally beat up and my mind is exhausted from monitoring everything I eat, drink, think, and do.   


D and I have no luck. We are not lucky people. But we could really use a little luck right now. Just a little. Just one good egg, one good sperm... 


I need to qualify that. D and I have been lucky in love. We found each other, lost each other, and found each other again, and though we have done a lot of hard work, I would still say that we are very, very lucky. So maybe I should quit feeling sorry for myself, eh?
Probably. 


But this still really effin' SUCKS.


♥ N

Neglectful...so, so neglectful.

We haven't blogged since our 2nd insemination. I know. You don't have to tell me. When we started this project, I failed to realize how resistant I would feel to blogging when there was nothing good, or at least strangely funny, to blog about. I wish no news was good news, but in our case, no news is bad, bad news.

I will fill you in on what has been happening (or not happening) over here in lesbo-baby-makin' land...

Month #2. We inseminate in the janitor's closet at the Dr.'s office and speculate on how the spa-like insemination room must be reserved for first-timers only. On the 8th day after the insem my breasts started to feel weird. Really weird -- like they each had a hot weight inside of them. I almost cried when I had to take my bra off at the end of the day. D insisted they were also bigger/fuller. I concurred. This went on for about 3-4 days, then stopped. My breasts went back to feeling normal and I started having strange cramping; I would cramp and think "oh, I must be getting my period tomorrow" and then... nothing. When my period finally did arrive, it was 5 days late, which was also really unusual. 

I got myself back on track to try again and started taking Clomid. The Dr.'s office wanted me to go ahead and schedule a diagnostic procedure called an HSG as well. The test involves pushing dye through my uterus and fallopian tubes in order to see if I have any blockages that would prevent sperm from meeting egg. I was unsure about whether or not two tries was enough to warrant this procedure, and after I got confirmation from my insurance company that no, they would not pay a dime of the $2000 it would cost, we decided to hold off and give it a few more tries. 

When I went in for the ultrasound appointment, I told our Dr. about what a strange month I had had and he insisted that I had been pregnant - for a minute. For whatever reason, although the egg fertilized and implanted itself (the changes to my breasts could only have happened if the egg had implanted successfully and begun pumping out the massive doses of hormones needed for pregnancy, according to the Dr.), the pregnancy was not viable and ended before it had really begun. This is called a "chemical pregnancy," folks. He took the HSG off the table as an option at that point - he was that confident that sperm and egg could meet. He told us he would like to see us try twice more before we move on to more aggressive, injectable, fertility drugs.  

Month #3. A whole lotta nuthin'. At this point, our dear Dr. changed his tune and wanted us to go ahead and schedule the HSG. The procedure would help him determine if I have additional fibroids that may be preventing pregnancy; we had seen one fibroid hanging out on the outside of my uterus during our ultrasounds, which shouldn't effect my ability to conceive, but perhaps there were more we couldn't see... The nurse told us that she would list the procedure under a non-fertility code so that maybe, just maybe, our insurance would cover it. I went in a few days after my period ended and we saw this:

(Yes, I took a photo on my phone. It's my guts, people! It's cool.) What you see there is dye filling up my uterus, traveling down my fallopian tubes, and *exploding* out of the tubes on either side. What that means is that there are no additional fibroids inside of my uterus and my tubes are clear/unblocked. These are all GOOD THINGS. Or, to put it another way, there is no good goddamn reason that I am not preggers yet. 


The upside to having this procedure done, other than the obvious one of ensuring that I am in working order, is that it actually increases your chances of pregnancy for the next 2-3 months. Clears everything out, I guess, and makes it easier for egg and sperm to do their traveling. Obvs, D and I need all the help we can get.


We made some big changes heading into IUI #4. The biggest of these was changing the sperm donor and the sperm bank it was coming from. Our thinking was: if there is nothing about my body that is preventing pregnancy from occurring, then maybe it's him... 

Or maybe it's this dinky sperm bank we're using because it's close and cheap. They are still using sperm that is over 12 years old and they've always been too curt for my liking. After reading up on some LGBT fertility message boards, D and I decided to go with Cryogenic Labs in Minnesota because of all the info you can get for free - baby photos, silhouettes, and audio interviews. We fell in love with a couple of guys there and D made the final decision. This donor we chose is also an Open ID donor - which means the kid will be able to contact him, if s/he wishes, when s/he turns 18. (Yes, we chose to go this route even after seeing The Kids Are All Right. Of course, I made D promise that she wouldn't sleep with the dude 19 years from now. A girl's gotta cover her bases.)


This sperm is costing us 2x as much cash as the dinky sperm, but I am really, really happy with our decision. Although we discussed using an Open ID donor extensively when we started this process - and decided against it - I had some misgivings about our decision to go with an anonymous donor. I was/am uncomfortable with the idea of making life-changing and irreversible decisions for another human being, and starting our relationship with our child out on that foot felt, well, wrong (I feel similarly about circumcision, fyi).


Altogether, this month we got new sperm from a new bank, we were inseminated in a new room we had never been in before, and we were inseminated by a new doctor. SO MUCH NEWNESS. We are hoping all of these changes will turn our luck around. 1 week down, 1 more to go until testing.


There's more I could say, but I'm exhausted. I promise I won't be as neglectful in the future, friends. 


♥ N

Swim boys, swim!

This was in the insemination room today:

I want one. Can someone make that happen?

This morning was lovely. We woke up around 7am, and were at the Cryobio clinic by 8 to "release" the sperm. Oddly, while I was signing out Mr. LX 2017 there was a gentleman checking in next to me to do the deed. I thought the sperm bank would have a system in place that ensured that never the twain shall meet... I mean, what if I bumped into our donor while I was walking in to sign away his babyjuice? That seems problematic - especially because I would probably chase him out of the building and follow his car home in order to find out every possible bit of information I could about him.

We had an hour to kill before the procedure, so D and I had breakfast at Bob Evans. At 9am we were back at the Dr.'s office, writing them a ridiculously large check (our insurance company finally kicked back all of the bills they were not going to pay for), and being taken to a private room. Now, the first time around, we were placed in a beautiful room with a very contemporary, softly-lit, relaxing ambience. Felt very spa-ish. That must be the "1st Time Only" insemination room because this time we were taken to a hideous room that felt as though the 80's had thrown up all over the walls. However, it did have the really cool sperm timer in it, so I suppose that's something ;)

We did have a couple of good signs this time (we think). 

1. An IUI isn't painful, per se, but last time there was a definite pinch when the catheter was inserted through the opening in my cervix which caused instant cramping. According to the info I found, when you time the IUI right (at ovulation) this won't hurt because the cervix will be open. There was no pinch this time, so I think the timing was right on. 

2. The sperm count for our sample was even higher this time around for whatever reason.

3. All of the planets were aligned. Just kidding.

By 9:20 it was all over and D and I were on our way home. Slowly. With me lying down in the back seat. D picked me up several trashy mags on the way as a bribe to stay lying down when we got back to the house. It worked. I have been prone most of day. I even had a margarita - to relax! So I feel confident in saying that I have done everything I could possibly do to help sperm meet egg. The rest is on them. 

*fingers crossed*

♥ N

Take Two

Unfortunately, dear readers, I am not sitting here writing this blog post to you "with-child." D and I found out on the 27th that our first attempt at insemination was a bust. I will be honest with you -- the experience was more disappointing than I was expecting it to be. I thought I was mentally prepared for a negative test result (because, really, what is the likelihood of anyone getting preggers the very first time they try?), but apparently I had let some small sliver of hope slip in there somewhere and I was emotional about it not happening for us.


It was a weird couple of days... On one level, I knew that it was not my fault that conception didn't happen - that I didn't do anything wrong - but it was still my body that had failed us. D says it's not a question of "failing," but that's how it felt, subjectively. I am sure my particular feelings have something to do with my perfectionist, control-freak tendencies and the fact that I hate to fail, at anything, ever. (These are not my most charming qualities, mind you.) Please don't misunderstand: I don't mean to be melodramatic about it not happening this first time. It might not happen many, many more times, at which point, I will allow myself to feel justifiably devastated. I just wanted to share my surprise at how emotionally invested I became so quickly, despite my best intentions.


All of that said, D and I are heading into attempt deux. (I will say, one of the better things about this process is that once you find out whether or not it "worked" you are already halfway to trying again, which is nice.) Yesterday we had an ultrasound to check out the size of my follicles (where the eggs are developing, yo) and the doctor saw one "beautiful" follicle that was ready to go, and one other that could possibly release an egg, though it was a tad small/underdeveloped. The "beautiful" follicle looked something like this big, black splotch:

"Beautiful" Follicle

He gave the go-ahead for my hCG shot to be given to me that night between 9-9:30pm. We weren't expecting that - last month there was a 2-day delay between the ultrasound and when I should receive the shot - and, horror of horrors, D was scheduled to work that night! What to do?!?

Like I said in an earlier post, I am phobic when it comes to needles. Still, it had occurred to me that inflicting a needle on myself might be more tolerable than the anticipation of waiting to feel a needle inserted by someone else... I decided to stop being such a ninny and shoot myself up. I drank a margarita, numbed the site with some icecubes, and, with shaking hands/shaking legs, stuck myself in the thigh. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. I was immensely pleased with myself.  

We will be inseminating for the second time tomorrow morning, bright and early. I feel good. This time, instead of going shopping for hours and lifting heavy things, I will be taken directly home after the big event and made to lie down for the next 24 hours. All the while, I will be visualizing this (more than slightly creepy) image:

I just realized that I don't think either D or I have explained the entire process of lesbian baby-makin,' as it is happening for us. Here's the low-down of what happens when you are TTC (trying to conceive) with donor sperm given through an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) while on Clomid.


Day 1: first day of period (full-flow)


Day 3: begin taking Clomid - 1 pill a day for the next 5 days (besides making sure you produce an egg/eggs by ramping up your estrogen levels, Clomid will also ensure that you have a chronic background headache, are dizzy/nauseous, are more irritable than usual, and can cry at the drop of a hat) 


Day 12: head to Dr. for vaginal ultrasound (totally unprepared for that!) - you will be able to check out your baby-makin' parts on the big screen. If you're really lucky, like I am, you will also find fun stuff in there that you weren't expecting, like fibroids.


Day 13, 14, or 15: give yourself, or have someone you really trust give to you, an hCG shot to trigger ovulation (9-9:30pm). 


Day 15, 16, or 17: ovulation occurs 36-40 hours after hCG shot. Head to Dr. at hour 36 to inseminate (9-9:30am).


Wait 14 interminable days. 


Take pregnancy test on the 14th day after insemination. Cry or throw a party or both, depending.


Ta-da! That's the bare-bones of it. Here's a website that helped answer many of D and I's questions if you want more info, like I always do:
http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html


What's problematic, of course, is that I need to check out infertility sites for the best/most comprehensive info on the procedures I am undergoing and I have to go to an infertility clinic in order to have them done. And yet, I am not infertile - at least, we hope not! - I just don't have access to sperm in the same way my hetero peers do. At the same time, I cannot receive the insurance benefits that could potentially be applied to our medical costs if I had a diagnosed infertility issue. I call bullsh*t. And heterosexual privilege.


That's enough for today! Send us your good vibes at about 9am tomorrow -- 8am for you Chicago folks! And send D some text-message love so she feels extra-virile ;)


♥ N

The time is now! Or more specifically, Friday morning.

I know we have literally hundreds of faithful followers who look religiously on a daily basis to see if we have posted anything new about the baby-makin' process. To all of our fans, I apologize it has taken me so long to update this blog. I know, I know, we left you hanging for so long you were forced to look at stupid people's blogs and tweets like Zac Efron, or Robert Pattinson and Lindsay Lohan. Oh, the horror. But it's fine now! Here's a new blog!

Okay, so realistically, the five people who read this, me and N included, I must say we haven't updated in so long because there has been nothing to update. UNTIL NOW!! Now I have tons! I'm brewing a whole coffee pot to stay up long enough to write all of this out! Prepare yourselves...

The last few weeks have been filled with N reading tons of books about this whole process. I was supposed to, but always found other things to do like play on facebook, almost burn the house down trying to learn how to BBQ, watch a movie, or sell my car for a cheaper monthly payment. Finally, I bought "The Expectant Father" because I was told it would be a good option for either male or female readers who aren't the birth mother or simply the partner of the birth mother. I have to say, it's okay, but also quite interesting how they market books to men. I'm stuck having to look at a "New Yorker" style cartoon every other page designed to "hold your interest!" It's like society is saying it's okay for men to need cartoons to stay involved in the baby-makin' process. Come on, society!! Anyway, I learned a lot by reading what I have read so far and N has learned a ton from her books. We are definitely feeling good and ready for this. We've also allowed ourselves to become emotionally involved and attached to this whole thing happening, so let's hope it works out. Otherwise this could take us years to get over! And quite frankly, I don't want to deal with that! :-)

While waiting, we've also been picking out names we like. How crazy, huh? I know we're getting ahead of ourselves but we simply can't help it. No lie. And speaking of getting ahead of ourselves, I bought a baseball the other day so I can play catch with our future kid! Yeah!

Tonight (Wednesday night) I get to give N a shot that will make her ovulate in 36 hours. Friday morning we go into the doctors office at 9am for the insemination. We have to be at the sperm bank next door at 8am to legally release the sperm over to the doctors office. LX 2017, I hope you're ready! Apparently we will be!

I was told by the doctor that I would be able to be a part of the insemination. I'll be allowed to actually insert the sperm. I'm very, very excited and grateful for this opportunity. I've also been practicing the sound effects I will make as I push the plunger. Something like "ccchhhhhoooooi!" or maybe very simply "cha ching!" or whispering very softly as it goes in "Let's go, little guys! Swim on! Swim well!" Or course this is all in my imagination because if I actually did all of this, N would be so turned off her uterus would literally shut itself off as to prevent her from having a child with someone who talks to sperm.

Oh, did I mention Friday is Friday the 13th? We're hoping this means good things for us rather than bad. We're pretty sure it's an awesome thing though. Literally kick-ass awesome.

So after all of this we have to wait another two weeks until we can do a home pregnancy test to see if LX 2017 really is all he's cracked up to be.

Speaking of LX 2017, we ordered his extended family health history as well as his donor essay. Let's hope N's smarts will be enough to make this baby come out right. He openly admitted to donating sperm to "pay the bills" which is something we all suspected anyway, right? It was for some reason just weird to see it openly admitted! He also claims we will be "more than happy with the results" if we pick his sperm. Let's hope so, you conceited fertile man!

Anyway, wish us luck on the 13th. We know it's slightly far fetched that this will work the first time but we're hoping it will. I will be sure to let you all know what happens. Thanks for reading! I love you all!

- D Scissors

Drugs and needles and sperm, oh my!

It has been a couple of weeks since either of us have updated this blog but, honestly, there hasn't been much to update. Picking the donor and deciding - again - that yes, we do want to do this thing (for-REAL-for-real) has left us in a place where now we wait.

And wait. 

And wait and wait and wait.

I think I am only just beginning to realize how much of this process will be spent... waiting.

In the past few weeks I have taken the requisite blood tests and our repro doctors want to put me on a mild fertility drug called Clomid. My progesterone levels, though high enough to safely assume that my body is ovulating, were slightly lower than what they like. Clomid increases the odds of achieving pregnancy by making extra, EXTRA sure my body produces an egg (or eggs - there is a *slightly* higher chance of twins on the drug) that month. 

While the upside to this is that, barring-unforeseen-difficulties-fingers-crossed, D and I can expect to be pregnant within 3 months, tops, the downside is that my entire cycle is now out of my hands. Taking the Clomid during my period will be followed by an ultrasound to check the development of the eggs (at $356-$499 each time), and THE SHOT ($60 each time) that will force the eggs to *pop.*

I am not naive and I am, generally, opposed to unnecessary medical intervention, but at the cost of $360 for one batch of sperm and $350 for the insemination it makes sense to want to ensure that we are not throwing $710 down the tubes because my body failed to produce the necessary egg that month. You feel me?

Anyways. Today I ordered the drugs and the sperm. It's for-real-for-REAL now. By tomorrow our donor's frozen sperm will be pulled out from storage and kept for us somewhere... else. That was kind of exciting. 

But, truth be told, what was really exciting was hearing that THE SHOT does not need to be injected into my muscle, but is to be injected into my top layer of fat (I have many layers, for the record). 

I DESPISE needles. I get worked up over blood draws days in advance. I became worried when my preggo books informed me that the shot *may* need to be injected into my muscle. Thank goodness that is not the case. Still... I'll make D do it. She'll probably enjoy it ;)


♥ N

You did WHAT?!

Ask me what I did last night. Go on, ask!! I picked a donor. It has taken me this long to pick a G-D donor. N and I narrowed it down to three, and she left it in my hands to pick the right one. It took me forever. It was between the guy who looks like me (in our opinions, not the photo match person Donna, who I think is awesome and want to be her friend), and the guy we think is super hot and has the same nose as me. We picked.....HOT GUY! He's taller, to cancel out N's tendencies towards dwarfism. (I love you, N. All 4'11" of you (-; ) Plus no one in his immediate family has had cancer. Not that it matters, but I like it on paper.

The guy who looks like me is second pick, so if this super hot guys sperm doesn't work like it damn well should, we'll move on. I'm so excited. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I can't help it. I keep thinking it's going to be a boy. I think though that we're just convincing ourselves it will be a boy so we won't kill ourselves if it is one since we will have been processing the shock of raising a boy for 12 months straight. That way if it does come out a girl we will be thrilled, and it will be unexpected awesomeness.

Also, I'm pissed off kids cost so much money. I need a new job. F'real. Immediately. I'm not kidding. I think the universe should recognize that we're going to rock at this parenting thing and let us do it for free. You know, all expenses paid baby-makin' and baby-raisin'. Oh man, once N pops that kid out this blog is going to be re-named to baby-raisin'. I'm looking forward to that.

We've also had some pretty awesome support. It seems like everyone is in the baby-makin' process and has some wisdom to share with me, or is just willing to listen to me ramble on about how we're about to start but haven't really started anything yet. It's a weird place to be, but I'm grateful to everyone who is willing to listen. Am I still going to be able to listen to bad ass rap music when the baby is here? Because I like me some really bad stupid rap music like Usher 'lil freak. It's my guilty pleasure at the moment. Can I teach our kid to rap? Because I'm super good at it and I want to pass that on. I missed my calling. I don't want him/her to do the same! I'm tired, and going to bed because I'm talking stupid at this point.

Listen everyone, I love you all, and I want you all to send good vibes to this dude's sperm. Let's make it super powerful so it'll bust that egg up, f'real. (Rap music, OFF). Peace!

- D

Baby-makin' = fun?

At times, I beg to differ. As exciting as this all is, N has never wanted to leave me so badly than a few times over the last couple months due to our baby-makin' bickering. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly take the blame since I tend to freak out over any and every conversation having to do with money. Plan for the baby to come our way? WHAT?!?! ARE YOU INSANE? I MAKE 8.40 AN HOUR! "We need to set money aside..." "Are you insane? The kid isn't even here yet!" "I know..so if we don't have the money now, why are we doing this?" Then, a voice inside my head....shit. She's right. I have no argument. How do you argue with someone who is talking straight facts? You can't!! The only solution is to stop buying so many damn clothes and coffee, set the money aside and shut my pie hole. THAT'S baby-makin'.

On another note, N and I have never been more in love. The sky is a brighter blue, there are shockingly more butterflies and the grass is much, much greener. The children who ruin the books at my bookstore are suddenly much more tolerable, and I seem to enjoy my life a bit more. That, as well, is baby-makin'. Also, due to stress over picking a god damn donor has helped me lose weight. Perfection!!

Speaking of donors, I'm having a hell of a time. The right thing to do is pick the guy who looks most like me. I, of course, want to pick the hottest guy. I'm torn. Hot baby, or baby with similar features? Let's take a step back:

On Wednesday the 16th, N and I had our first baby-makin' doctors appointment. He is incredibly fantastic, supports calm, non-abrasive discussions and wants this all to go as smooth and easy as possible. He's great! Plus he wears one earring. Just the one. It's some hot bling. We heard some great news. This shouldn't be all that hard. When we expressed our need to get preggers within the next year, he seemed as though we had given him much, much more time than he knew what to do with. He seems to think three months, at most, will do the trick. Given the cost of this entire procedure, this was good news. Plus I want to talk to N's tummy as soon as possible and make it listen to Hanson via old school headphones. I think I'll get an LP player for the occasion, so the baby can appreciate the rich, beautiful tone only an LP can provide. Back to money. Each time we try will be about 700 dollars. A five minute procedure costs 350 bucks. Seriously, you ask? Yes, seriously. It's okay. It'll be worth it. I've heard good things about children, so, well, you know. We heard all good news at this appointment, and it put many of our fears to rest. Muy bueno.

So we bought a few pictures of some of the donors we really like. As N spoke of before, we narrowed it down quite a bit. We did a photo match, which means we gave the sperm bank a few photos of me, and they took our top picks and matched me to the one I have the most similar features to. Our favorite guy came in third. We bought the silhouette of the guy who came in first and decided we're not really a fan, so we'll most likely still go with numero tres even though the lab person who compared my features to the donors called him a "sleeper in the race." I can't stop looking at profiles, though. I'm addicted. Not only that, but everywhere I turn I'm literally checking out every guy I see, looking at his features and considering them all potential sperm donors. It's insane!

So, I need to wrap this up. Point is, I'm super excited. I'm thrilled to share this experience with N. She's fantastic and she's going to be a great mom. I love her more than anything and I can't wait to raise a whole entire little person based on our beliefs. I don't want to get ahead of myself, because, as always, there's a good chance this will all go horribly wrong and it'll be just the two of us forever. I'm totally fine with that. I have every belief that N and I are more than enough to entertain each other for the rest of our lives and be very, very happy - just the two of us. However, I think to add a little person with so much cuteness bursting out of it would only make things better.

On a completely different note, I got totally burned while marching in the Pride parade yesterday. It sucks a lot. Also, I saw Justin Bieber 20 times yesterday in the crowd. That boy gets around. I love you all. I actually do...(as this is a selectively shared blog). xoxoxo

D to the Money to the P