I think my hardest time is during the two week wait. It's just so damn stressful. This last time was really hard on me. We went to a different sperm bank as N told you all about in the previous blog. I felt/feel really good about this decision, but it also meant that we were spending twice the amount on swimmers than we previously had. Obviously this whole money thing won't be an issue once there's a baby bump, but until that happens it seems like we're spending a crazy amount of money even though it really isn't that bad. So, to sum things up, although this bank is more costly and every time we order it I get physically ill, I know it's the right decision and it's for the best. AND even if it doesn't work this time around, the baby thing will STILL be cheaper than a ceremony :-D
So yes, as I said, this two week wait is the most stressful time of my life every single month (if that makes any sense). You eat, sleep, and breathe baby symptoms. I wake up every morning wondering now N feels and whether or not her boobs hurt and should I poke at her to find out. It's awful. It's even worse for N on the receiving end of my insane attempts at finding out whether or not she's in physical pain. As if she would miss a symptom and forget to tell me about it. I don't know how she deals with me.
During the insanely stressful two week wait, I wanted to punch every single person who even looked at me funny in the face. I was a cranky jerk to N ALL THE TIME. I went off on my boss at completely unnecessary times over things I really shouldn't care about, I drove my car way too fast just to be a dick, and I wanted to isolate myself in a dark room until I felt somewhat normal again. Then, even though the result was negative this month, I felt better to finally KNOW something. Really know something! I'm telling you. It's hell. And for some reason, this month was EXTREME hell. If anyone knows me and experienced my ungodly wrath on all things human or inanimate, I apologize. It is now over, and I won't let it happen again.
So yes, now I am fine. N seems to be fine, too. Every single month comes with new hope and it's impossible to not feel that high and be excited every time we try again even though it is exhausting. And holy crap, if I feel this way, I can't even begin to imagine how N is feeling. I love her so much and I am so grateful for everything she is putting herself through for us to be able to have a child. She's an amazing woman, and I appreciate her more than I will ever be able to express. Whatever I am feeling she is feeling times ten, and when I broke this month, she was there for me even though she was feeling like crap, too. She's a god damn saint. I love her more than anything.
More changes this time. We're switching donors again. We'll be staying with the same bank in Minnesota, but we are going with someone who has had more reported pregnancies. This bank will give you an approximate number of reported pregnancies, such as 1-5, 5-10 or 10-15, etc etc. The guy we had picked for November, we just learned this week, had 1-5. The guy we are using in December has 10-15. He has also been in the program a year longer, so that helps his numbers, but it just seems like better odds with the new guy. His baby photo is insanely adorable. He has horrible eyesight so our baby will have big buddy holly glasses like mine, but whatever. There's always lasik ;-)
We are very excited about the next try. N is on a new drug because doctors only recommend the Clomid for up to four cycles (some doctors only three) because the body will stop responding to the drug if used to many times. Things are all new and cleared out and ready, so we are pumped. I can't wait :-) I feel good about it. We will keep you all updated. For real, we will ;-) Love to everyone. Let's hope for a Christmas baby. You know, like Jesus. ;-)
- D
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