CD6

Happy New Year, friends-on-the-interwebs! D and I rang in the new year with our nearest and dearest in the city we have called home for the past 2 and a half years. It was lovely. Best of all, when we left the party to drive home, our car started! On new year's eve last year, we left this same house only to find that our car wouldn't start. We ended up having to call AAA and pay a ridiculous amount of money for a new car battery. So, as you can see, 2011 is already kicking 2010's ass -- I think it is a sign that this year is going to be a significant improvement on last year, don't you? :)

I'm not making any new year's resolutions, per se, although I did (re)institute a workout regimen on the 28th. I also began recording my food intake again. I don't know about you all, but I eat so much better when I can see - in cold, hard numbers - the amount of calories/the kinds of foods I am putting in my body. It makes me feel accountable to someone and it works (even I am only accountable to me). I'm 5 days in and doing well. Last night could've totally blown it, but I had only 2 light beers and, amazingly, I did not consume any of the delicious snacks on display. Go me! 

I will also say that I am thinking a lot about "grace" lately - what it is, what it means, what it feels like to be in its state... If this month doesn't result in a pregnancy, I am about 98% sure that I will not be trying again. I have undergone multiple tests, been on multiple drugs, and we have cycled through multiple donors. I have spent weeks eating "as though" I was already pregnant, and other weeks reducing potential stress by enjoying a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, the occasional orgasm, etc. I have avoided baths, even though I could really use one most of the time. I have spent whole days lying in bed so as not to jostle anything "in there," and other days moving, dancing, and stretching to get the blood flowing "in there." I have eaten pineapple for a week straight, on an empty stomach - even the nasty parts of the pineapple. I have meditated and visualized and my sweet mom lit a candle for us in church every week. I have researched and researched and researched again until my eyes could bleed. There's no (explainable) reason why I am not pregnant. 

I'm tired of telling myself that getting pregnant is just hard. Sure it is, but maybe it doesn't have to be this hard/require this much intervention. Maybe it's not supposed to be me. Maybe the reason I'm not pregnant yet is because it's not the way my baby is supposed to come to me. I am trying to listen to what the universe may be saying and, if this month is a bust, I think maybe, just maybe, the universe is saying that I'm not meant to have our baby - D is. Whew. Wow. I haven't really articulated that before. That would be a lesson for my soul right there... If I could make peace with D having our baby, find grace through that experience, I might actually learn something real. And take a step up the Karma-ladder to boot.

[FYI: it's not that I can't imagine loving a baby born of my partner or anything like that. It's just that being pregnant and going through the birthing experience is something I've always wanted to do - always thought I would do. And D, bless her heart, has no desire whatsoever to carry, much less birth, a baby. For her, having our baby would be a matter of her "taking one for the team." The unfairness of it all stings.]

Anyways, finished up my Femara this morning and we move on to the shots tonight. Not.looking.forward :P

Here's to hoping we all get what we wish for in 2011, whatever that may be ♥