...

BFN on Sunday (we tested early).


Period today.


Heart.


Broken.




We will not be moving forward with me/my body. 
I will not be the birth mother of this baby.


I...


... I am grieving, I think. I'm not *quite* sure what mourning and grief are like because I have been lucky enough not to lose anyone close to me at this point in my life, but I think it *must* feel like this. Like a loss so profound you cannot see your way around it - your way through it - you cannot see anything at all. The empty space, the black hole, of this loss has blotted out my horizon. I know there is a life and love and prob even a baby in my future, but right now, I cannot *see* it.


If/when I have processed this more, I will try to write more. I'm not sure when that will be.


... N

12DPI

Am obsessing big time today, for some reason... I think I am getting antsy because if it wasn't for that gd shot, we could be testing by now. 

I am hesitant to put the rest of this in writing and potentially *jinx* myself, but... here goes. I have been having some small bodily sensations this week. Here's the happenings:


Since Tuesday night (9DPI): distinct, and distinctly weird, "twinges" in my lower abdomen. Cramping off and on - like AF cramping, but not... Much milder, and I have mostly felt it the last two nights when I lay down to go to sleep. I am also experiencing some soreness in my breasts that is only on the outside of my breasts, and only really noticeable when I poke at them. I am also more tired and bloated than usual, but I have been getting up earlier than usual and eating like a pig, so those prob don't meant anything.


Most of these happenings have been really subtle - just slightly off-kilter bodily sensations that are not something I have experienced before, but that are not super-pronounced either, so I don't want to read too much into them. 


However, I can't help but read into them the tiniest bit, mostly because I have not felt ANYTHING in ANY month except for month #2.


Of course, there is always the fact that I could be completely in touch with what I am feeling, but that the sensations are the result of the (injectable) drugs I was on this month and the continuing high-levels of estrogen and progesterone flowing through my body right now... It's possible that I am just gearing up for the worst period of my life:

The period to end all periods.

1 more week until testing...


♥ N

10DPI

This is the LONGEST.2WW.EVER.


Although in a normal cycle we would be close to testing at this point, D and I have to wait 8 more days until we can test. GAH! Talk about dragging this sh*t out. 


We have to wait because we were on injectables, and so I was required to get another HCG injection (trigger shot) on Monday because, well, I don't know why. We were just told that's what we had to do. That is adding on additional time until we can test because the hormone in the shot would give me a false positive on a home preggo test.


The 27th. The 27th is the day we can test. It is also the day before my 1st PhD candidacy exam. Let's hope I'm not trying to write that thing from the depths of despair, eh?


I am definitely not "feeling anything" yet, but I'm trying not to be fatalistic about that. I just keep telling myself that lots of ladies don't feel anything for weeks and weeks and weeks. My mom insists she never had ANY pregnancy symptoms at all. Other than growing a huge belly, I mean.


I did get the results from my day 21 progesterone test and they were a whopping 34.something, so I am reassured that the setting is beautiful for some serious implantation to happen. 


Here's to hoping.


♥ N

7DPI

Horrible dream last night: dreamt I got my period today, on day 7. 


Apparently, my unconscious is not on board the "positive thinking" train. Get on board, unconscious! Stop fudging up the good juju we got goin' on over here!

6DPI

I am writing this while I wait for my computer to reinstall at the Apple store. I have been without my laptop for 6 days now - the same amount of days since our IUI, eerily enough. It's been painful, but I've managed. With only 13 days until my first PhD candidacy exam, I've remained remarkably calm about the whole situation. There are three reasons for this: 1) I started backing up my computer to an external hard drive not 3 months ago, 2) my most recent back-up was only 1 week before the crash, 3) it could've chosen to crash DURING my exam weekend, at which point I would've died. Literally died.

So, I've been pretty calm. Hopefully everything will be back to 100% working order today, and I can move on with my work and my life.

In TTC news, there is nothing to report as of yet. Did my 5 days of pineapple, am taking my supplements, actively de-stressing when needed, and thinking good thoughts. With everything going on in my student/professional life this week, I haven't really had time to worry, which is nice.

Thank you all for your positive energy this month and always...
♥ N

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1DPI

I had some vicious paranoia yesterday morning about this cycle... Typically, I'm not the type to do that - to think that something has failed before it has even begun - but yesterday was bad. Normally I would tell you all about it, but I made the decision not to go into all of my (possibly flawed) reasoning here, because you know what? It's not good for me to obsess and rationalize and obsess some more. It's bad, negative energy and I refuse to feed it this month. There, I put my foot down. I will not feed you, monster. Get out of my head. 

This month is going to work. My love and I cannot fail. 4 eggs + 2 insems + 80.4 million motile sperm + enough estrogen to get a small horse preggers = 1 (+1!) baby of our very own.

I ate my pineapple. I popped my prenatal vitamin and added the DHA supplement I have been keeping in the box until I get a positive test (that stuff is pricey!). I even ripped the tags off the baby things I told D not to rip the tags off in case we need to return them. I am open and hoping with no holding back (mostly... hey, it's a process).

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

♥ N

Pure awesomeness!

Okay, so I have been stuck in jury duty for the last week, but I can't complain. It gave me a chance at a "normal" schedule and we were also let out nice and early (around 3 most days) so I could come home and take care of the house for my babe. Fortunately yesterday we had a super early doctors appointment so I was able to go! At 7:30 am N had a blood draw then an ultrasound to see how things were moving along. I believe everyone knows this, but we're on injectable hormones this month as well as the Femera and this will be our last shot for a few months and N's last attempt all together, and since I REALLY don't want to be pregnant, we're hoping this is the time!

So, the bloodwork came back AWESOME and the ultrasound was amazingly awesome. We have four follicles ready to pop out some beautiful eggs!! FOUR! Two of them are the same size and will definitely release at the same time. The other two are a bit smaller, but we're hoping those will release as well and be mature enough. Scientifically speaking they should all be good so we have quite a few options here and our chances have been improved dramatically.

So, another thing we will be doing this month is a double insemination. Physically there is nothing wrong with N's body, so we can't seem to figure out why nothing has been happening for us. Our thoughts kept drifting to the idea that the timing might be a bit off and since frozen sperm doesn't last long it really does have to be precise.

We wound up going with a new sperm bank this month. This bank is outside of the Chicagoland area and on all the message boards we read this bank has extraordinary numbers. We made our decision in a completely different way than we normally do. All we did was send the bank an e-mail asking them for a list of their "super donors" and picked our favorite out of those approximately six offered. There's no silhouettes, no photos, no baby photos and no sound bytes but we think this is the best way to go. This guy has an insane amount of pregnancies and isn't even available to be purchased in the midwest anymore. We're hoping his insane numbers and crazy fertility rates will give us the best odds possible. There's even an entire facebook page available to mothers and mothers to be of this donor which I think is amazing! So yeah. Obviously we're excited.

So this is a month for new things. New drugs, new sperm aaaannndddd...we're going to be doing an at home insemination this month. The bank gave us a lot of information we needed including the syringe but we realized we didn't have a speculum. We thought to ourselves "oh where oh where can we buy a speculum?" and I said "how about the local sex store?" well guess what. They have quite a few options at the sex store including one that has electrical shocks going through it. I opted for the plain, boring plastic one, but man was that trip educational.

Also, we have the sperm upstairs with us for the night. Here's a lovely photo:

Yeah. I have found a new respect for sperm. Sperm, I love thee. Anyway, inside that container is the greatness that will be half of our child. Weird, huh? I think so too.

So, I get back home from my sex shop adventure which was a little scary actually. I've seen some amazing sex shops such as Babeland (Brooklyn and NYC...for the love of god, go there if you ever get a chance) and Tulip (Chicago) and this place was neither of those. Friendly staff and more than willing to talk about what you can do with an electrically charged speculum, but a bit...well...scary. So now the fun begins. I get to do a trial run of finding N's cervix. So, speculum, lube, flashlight and camera (don't ask) in hand, I go for it and there it was! Just chillin' like "what up dude" and I was like "hell yeah man. I FOUND you. It's ON like donkey kong....tomorrow." so I feel good.

N got her trigger shot tonight, so we will insem at home around hour 20 then again at hour 36 at the doctors office. Anywhere between hour 24 and 40 we're hoping this awesome sperm and those perfect eggs will match up and make this happen. Honestly we're hoping we'll just get twins so we don't have to ever go through this crap again. Two for one! Anyway, N is having some cramping and pain due to all those beautiful eggs up in there getting big and ready to pop so I can't wait for this all to happen. We will keep you updated and thanks for all your comments it's nice to hear from other people and get feedback.

xoxo - D

CD6

Happy New Year, friends-on-the-interwebs! D and I rang in the new year with our nearest and dearest in the city we have called home for the past 2 and a half years. It was lovely. Best of all, when we left the party to drive home, our car started! On new year's eve last year, we left this same house only to find that our car wouldn't start. We ended up having to call AAA and pay a ridiculous amount of money for a new car battery. So, as you can see, 2011 is already kicking 2010's ass -- I think it is a sign that this year is going to be a significant improvement on last year, don't you? :)

I'm not making any new year's resolutions, per se, although I did (re)institute a workout regimen on the 28th. I also began recording my food intake again. I don't know about you all, but I eat so much better when I can see - in cold, hard numbers - the amount of calories/the kinds of foods I am putting in my body. It makes me feel accountable to someone and it works (even I am only accountable to me). I'm 5 days in and doing well. Last night could've totally blown it, but I had only 2 light beers and, amazingly, I did not consume any of the delicious snacks on display. Go me! 

I will also say that I am thinking a lot about "grace" lately - what it is, what it means, what it feels like to be in its state... If this month doesn't result in a pregnancy, I am about 98% sure that I will not be trying again. I have undergone multiple tests, been on multiple drugs, and we have cycled through multiple donors. I have spent weeks eating "as though" I was already pregnant, and other weeks reducing potential stress by enjoying a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, the occasional orgasm, etc. I have avoided baths, even though I could really use one most of the time. I have spent whole days lying in bed so as not to jostle anything "in there," and other days moving, dancing, and stretching to get the blood flowing "in there." I have eaten pineapple for a week straight, on an empty stomach - even the nasty parts of the pineapple. I have meditated and visualized and my sweet mom lit a candle for us in church every week. I have researched and researched and researched again until my eyes could bleed. There's no (explainable) reason why I am not pregnant. 

I'm tired of telling myself that getting pregnant is just hard. Sure it is, but maybe it doesn't have to be this hard/require this much intervention. Maybe it's not supposed to be me. Maybe the reason I'm not pregnant yet is because it's not the way my baby is supposed to come to me. I am trying to listen to what the universe may be saying and, if this month is a bust, I think maybe, just maybe, the universe is saying that I'm not meant to have our baby - D is. Whew. Wow. I haven't really articulated that before. That would be a lesson for my soul right there... If I could make peace with D having our baby, find grace through that experience, I might actually learn something real. And take a step up the Karma-ladder to boot.

[FYI: it's not that I can't imagine loving a baby born of my partner or anything like that. It's just that being pregnant and going through the birthing experience is something I've always wanted to do - always thought I would do. And D, bless her heart, has no desire whatsoever to carry, much less birth, a baby. For her, having our baby would be a matter of her "taking one for the team." The unfairness of it all stings.]

Anyways, finished up my Femara this morning and we move on to the shots tonight. Not.looking.forward :P

Here's to hoping we all get what we wish for in 2011, whatever that may be ♥