In the 2WW.

That means "2 week wait," y'all. It's what I am in, right now -- the 2 weeks between the date you inseminate/ovulate and the date you can use a HPT (home pregnancy test). When you use that HPT you hope to see a BFP (big fat positive) and not a BFN (big fat negative) on the damn thing. I have learned TONS and TONS of fun new acronyms since TTC (trying to conceive). Here's one list to give you an example: fertility acronyms & abbreviations

Anywho, it is 9DPI (9th day post insemination) and I have been feeling really sad and frustrated over the past few days. D can attest to this, since I seem to fluctuate between crying and stopping crying only long enough to be pissy with her about something. Because I know what changes happened in my body month #2 - the month we had a chemical pregnancy - I now expect to "feel things" around the 7th or 8th DPI, and if I don't "feel things" then I am convinced it didn't work. I know it is still too early to "call it," but I think we were not successful this time either and I'm so sad/furious/worried/frustrated/broken-hearted, etc. Our money is running out. Our Dr. is going to want us to move on to injectables. My body is totally beat up and my mind is exhausted from monitoring everything I eat, drink, think, and do.   


D and I have no luck. We are not lucky people. But we could really use a little luck right now. Just a little. Just one good egg, one good sperm... 


I need to qualify that. D and I have been lucky in love. We found each other, lost each other, and found each other again, and though we have done a lot of hard work, I would still say that we are very, very lucky. So maybe I should quit feeling sorry for myself, eh?
Probably. 


But this still really effin' SUCKS.


♥ N

Baby-makin' = fun?

At times, I beg to differ. As exciting as this all is, N has never wanted to leave me so badly than a few times over the last couple months due to our baby-makin' bickering. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly take the blame since I tend to freak out over any and every conversation having to do with money. Plan for the baby to come our way? WHAT?!?! ARE YOU INSANE? I MAKE 8.40 AN HOUR! "We need to set money aside..." "Are you insane? The kid isn't even here yet!" "I know..so if we don't have the money now, why are we doing this?" Then, a voice inside my head....shit. She's right. I have no argument. How do you argue with someone who is talking straight facts? You can't!! The only solution is to stop buying so many damn clothes and coffee, set the money aside and shut my pie hole. THAT'S baby-makin'.

On another note, N and I have never been more in love. The sky is a brighter blue, there are shockingly more butterflies and the grass is much, much greener. The children who ruin the books at my bookstore are suddenly much more tolerable, and I seem to enjoy my life a bit more. That, as well, is baby-makin'. Also, due to stress over picking a god damn donor has helped me lose weight. Perfection!!

Speaking of donors, I'm having a hell of a time. The right thing to do is pick the guy who looks most like me. I, of course, want to pick the hottest guy. I'm torn. Hot baby, or baby with similar features? Let's take a step back:

On Wednesday the 16th, N and I had our first baby-makin' doctors appointment. He is incredibly fantastic, supports calm, non-abrasive discussions and wants this all to go as smooth and easy as possible. He's great! Plus he wears one earring. Just the one. It's some hot bling. We heard some great news. This shouldn't be all that hard. When we expressed our need to get preggers within the next year, he seemed as though we had given him much, much more time than he knew what to do with. He seems to think three months, at most, will do the trick. Given the cost of this entire procedure, this was good news. Plus I want to talk to N's tummy as soon as possible and make it listen to Hanson via old school headphones. I think I'll get an LP player for the occasion, so the baby can appreciate the rich, beautiful tone only an LP can provide. Back to money. Each time we try will be about 700 dollars. A five minute procedure costs 350 bucks. Seriously, you ask? Yes, seriously. It's okay. It'll be worth it. I've heard good things about children, so, well, you know. We heard all good news at this appointment, and it put many of our fears to rest. Muy bueno.

So we bought a few pictures of some of the donors we really like. As N spoke of before, we narrowed it down quite a bit. We did a photo match, which means we gave the sperm bank a few photos of me, and they took our top picks and matched me to the one I have the most similar features to. Our favorite guy came in third. We bought the silhouette of the guy who came in first and decided we're not really a fan, so we'll most likely still go with numero tres even though the lab person who compared my features to the donors called him a "sleeper in the race." I can't stop looking at profiles, though. I'm addicted. Not only that, but everywhere I turn I'm literally checking out every guy I see, looking at his features and considering them all potential sperm donors. It's insane!

So, I need to wrap this up. Point is, I'm super excited. I'm thrilled to share this experience with N. She's fantastic and she's going to be a great mom. I love her more than anything and I can't wait to raise a whole entire little person based on our beliefs. I don't want to get ahead of myself, because, as always, there's a good chance this will all go horribly wrong and it'll be just the two of us forever. I'm totally fine with that. I have every belief that N and I are more than enough to entertain each other for the rest of our lives and be very, very happy - just the two of us. However, I think to add a little person with so much cuteness bursting out of it would only make things better.

On a completely different note, I got totally burned while marching in the Pride parade yesterday. It sucks a lot. Also, I saw Justin Bieber 20 times yesterday in the crowd. That boy gets around. I love you all. I actually do...(as this is a selectively shared blog). xoxoxo

D to the Money to the P