Baby-makin' = fun?

At times, I beg to differ. As exciting as this all is, N has never wanted to leave me so badly than a few times over the last couple months due to our baby-makin' bickering. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly take the blame since I tend to freak out over any and every conversation having to do with money. Plan for the baby to come our way? WHAT?!?! ARE YOU INSANE? I MAKE 8.40 AN HOUR! "We need to set money aside..." "Are you insane? The kid isn't even here yet!" "I know..so if we don't have the money now, why are we doing this?" Then, a voice inside my head....shit. She's right. I have no argument. How do you argue with someone who is talking straight facts? You can't!! The only solution is to stop buying so many damn clothes and coffee, set the money aside and shut my pie hole. THAT'S baby-makin'.

On another note, N and I have never been more in love. The sky is a brighter blue, there are shockingly more butterflies and the grass is much, much greener. The children who ruin the books at my bookstore are suddenly much more tolerable, and I seem to enjoy my life a bit more. That, as well, is baby-makin'. Also, due to stress over picking a god damn donor has helped me lose weight. Perfection!!

Speaking of donors, I'm having a hell of a time. The right thing to do is pick the guy who looks most like me. I, of course, want to pick the hottest guy. I'm torn. Hot baby, or baby with similar features? Let's take a step back:

On Wednesday the 16th, N and I had our first baby-makin' doctors appointment. He is incredibly fantastic, supports calm, non-abrasive discussions and wants this all to go as smooth and easy as possible. He's great! Plus he wears one earring. Just the one. It's some hot bling. We heard some great news. This shouldn't be all that hard. When we expressed our need to get preggers within the next year, he seemed as though we had given him much, much more time than he knew what to do with. He seems to think three months, at most, will do the trick. Given the cost of this entire procedure, this was good news. Plus I want to talk to N's tummy as soon as possible and make it listen to Hanson via old school headphones. I think I'll get an LP player for the occasion, so the baby can appreciate the rich, beautiful tone only an LP can provide. Back to money. Each time we try will be about 700 dollars. A five minute procedure costs 350 bucks. Seriously, you ask? Yes, seriously. It's okay. It'll be worth it. I've heard good things about children, so, well, you know. We heard all good news at this appointment, and it put many of our fears to rest. Muy bueno.

So we bought a few pictures of some of the donors we really like. As N spoke of before, we narrowed it down quite a bit. We did a photo match, which means we gave the sperm bank a few photos of me, and they took our top picks and matched me to the one I have the most similar features to. Our favorite guy came in third. We bought the silhouette of the guy who came in first and decided we're not really a fan, so we'll most likely still go with numero tres even though the lab person who compared my features to the donors called him a "sleeper in the race." I can't stop looking at profiles, though. I'm addicted. Not only that, but everywhere I turn I'm literally checking out every guy I see, looking at his features and considering them all potential sperm donors. It's insane!

So, I need to wrap this up. Point is, I'm super excited. I'm thrilled to share this experience with N. She's fantastic and she's going to be a great mom. I love her more than anything and I can't wait to raise a whole entire little person based on our beliefs. I don't want to get ahead of myself, because, as always, there's a good chance this will all go horribly wrong and it'll be just the two of us forever. I'm totally fine with that. I have every belief that N and I are more than enough to entertain each other for the rest of our lives and be very, very happy - just the two of us. However, I think to add a little person with so much cuteness bursting out of it would only make things better.

On a completely different note, I got totally burned while marching in the Pride parade yesterday. It sucks a lot. Also, I saw Justin Bieber 20 times yesterday in the crowd. That boy gets around. I love you all. I actually do...(as this is a selectively shared blog). xoxoxo

D to the Money to the P

p.s.

D just called me from Target where she's killing time waiting for her car to be fixed to tell me about a "really cool" stroller they have there. I told her it may be a little early to purchase a stroller. 

I picked a good co-mom :)


♥ N

Results?

We got some donor photos yesterday. It was kind of a big deal. We also scammed the sperm bank, just a little. Here's the happenings:


First, I had a wonderful lunch with my dissertation advisor. Talking to her about D and I's decision to begin baby-makin' was something that I was majorly concerned about. In my worst-case-scenario, the decision to get pregnant while in grad school would "mommy-track" me - refiguring me in my advisor's eyes as someone who wasn't "serious enough" about my scholarly work and professional career to merit serious time and attention anymore. D was bothered that I would let my advisor's opinion *possibly* derail our project, but I have a lot of respect for my advisor and if she thought having a baby now would be akin to shooting myself in the foot, I would definitely have given this whole thing some more thought. Producing good scholarly work, followed by having a career in academia, are still right at the top of my list of priorities. If a baby had to wait for a few more years, it would just have to wait... but happily I don't think that is the case.


My advisor was both totally supportive and SUPER-excited for D and I. She is also a lesbian, with a long-term partner and a young child, and she was a wealth of knowledge about the process we are about to embark on. I left the meeting with a promise to trade porno films for books on pregnancy & childbirth (I'm the one getting the baby books, in case that was unclear), and feeling both personally and academically supported. I think D and I have a real advocate here now, and won't feel quite so alone as we navigate this whole thing. It was *wonderful* and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. For realz.


(Am I still scared sh*tless? Duh. I almost hyper-ventilated on the way to our first repro appointment today, but that's another story.)


Floating on air after that conversation, I got home and there, staring at me from D's spam mailbox, are the links to the 2 donor photos we purchased. I actually started shaking, I suddenly got so nervous. So I called D and she freaked out with me - "Okay! Okay! I am on my way home right now!" - and then I waited for her to get home so we could look at them together. 


It.was.the.longest.11.minutes.of.my.life.


She got home, we smooched, we sat down in front of our 24" computer monitor, and then we clicked. 


!!!


Guy #1 = TOTALLY NOT ATTRACTIVE. Average-to-above-average my ass, sperm bank. No. Absolutely not. I slid the photo into the trashbin and D calmly ripped his donor profile to shreds.


Guy #2 = ...


This guy could be D's 1st cousin. Sh*t you not. Curly brown hair, "distinct, perfect brows," long lashes, twinkling hazel eyes, and an impish little smile. We were delighted. So we looked. And then we looked some more. We were smitten.


Then D looked at the address for the links we had been given and, scam artist that she is, realized you could simply plug other donor numbers into the address and *bam!* there are their photos! Photos that would cost us $50 each if we were law-abiding folks. We checked out our other 2 donor choices who have photos available and nixed another one right off the bat. The second we are keeping in the "possibly, maybe" file. He's not unattractive, but he doesn't look like D, so... probs not. I stopped her from looking at every single donor in the database that way - I was worried they could track that somehow and we would wind up getting a bill for $8,000 - but maybe I will let her do that after all... I'm feeling rebellious after getting some more pricing-information from the insemination folks today. Ugh.


But I will have to write about what we found out today another time. I'm a tad drained from my mid-afternoon freak-out and I have a dinner date in an hour.


♥ N

Sleepless

I can't sleep.


Today I had my annual gynie exam. I told my nurse practitioner that my partner and I were planning to get pregnant within the next year - fingers crossed! - and we talked health insurance and ways I could tweak some requests in order to ensure that certain procedures would be covered. That was much appreciated. 


Then she told me that I had an "enlarged uterus." I asked her what on earth that meant, and she said that if I was in a heterosexual relationship she would assume I was about, oh, 8 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, all the way home I wondered whether or not it was possible that I had somehow, miraculously, thought myself pregnant. Either that, or accidentally sat on a semen-covered toilet seat 2 months ago.


According to my NP, it is far more likely that I have either:
1. An abnormally large uterus, considering my diminutive stature - the size of "a naval orange, as opposed to a - more appropriate - pear;" or
2. A harmless uterine fibroid.


I prefer to imagine that I have subconsciously willed my body into mimicking pregnancy in order to better prepare for REALBABY.


In other news, D and I have narrowed down ye olde sperm donors to a modest "Top 8." For a measly $100 we should be receiving photos of our top 2 contenders tomorrow - OH!THESUSPENSE! - and for a truly measly $30 we are sending off a request for the people at the sperm bank to "photomatch" D to our top 8 candidates. Since not all of our top 8 choices have approved a photo release (jerks.), having someone at the sperm bank rank the donors in order of likeness to D is as good as we can get to determining appearance and attractiveness.


Assessing donor profiles is a really strange process. The information you are provided with is so minimal and so... odd. Here is an example:


PHYSICAL AND PERSONAL INFORMATION:
RACE: Caucasian
ETHNIC ORIGIN: French-English-German
MARITAL STATUS: Single
RELIGION: Christianity (Totally confused as to why the addition of religion. I don't think his religious beliefs are imprinted onto his genetic code.)
HEIGHT: 5’11
WEIGHT: 160
HAIR COLOR: Brown
HAIR TYPE: Straight
EYE COLOR: Brown
EYE SIGHT: Good
SKIN COLOR: Medium
BLOOD TYPE: 0+
BONE TYPE: Medium
YEARS OF COLLEGE: 6
AREA OF STUDY: MS: Education


Note: All Cryobiology donors are average to above average looking men. Noted distinguishable characteristics such as a large nose or full lips are relative comparisons to other donors and not indicative of unattractive features. I LOVE this. I mean, thank god attractiveness is, you know, totally objective and can be determined scientifically by the good ladies and gentlemen at the sperm bank. 


DETAILS:
- square face shape
- sharp, defined, chiseled facial features
- non-prominent cheekbones
- average set, round shaped eyes that are an expressive chocolate color I should certainly hope his eyes are "expressive." That's kind of an eye's job (well, other than seeing, of course).
- dark brows and lashes that are noticeable
- thin nose rounded at the end
- prominent bridge between eyes I have no idea what this means.
- thin lips, pink color
- shy, crooked smile with upturned corners Awww... suddenly, in my mind's eye, I find this fellow with the "shy, crooked smile" endearing. I can envision his wholesomely sheepish grin and "aw shucks" shrug of the shoulders as he passes his beaker full of healthy fresh sperm over to the waiting clinician... Yeah. 
- smooth complexion
- baritone voice
- easygoing, patient, quiet personality OMG, does this mean my baby will also be easygoing, patient, and quiet? SOLD. Bring it on Mr. Crooked Smile.
- enjoys a wide spectrum of activites from camping and canoeing to fine arts and music A regular renaissance man!
- tall, slim body type 


So, as you can see, it's... weird. D and I are taking this info with a grain of salt - I mean, really, what else can we do with it? Better we find a donor who is a decent physical match for D and nurture our child's personality and interests as they develop. Isn't that all any parent can do?

(Though we did nix every single donor who had the word "fraternity" in his profile ;)

Stay tuned for the results of the photos - DYING INSIDE FROM SUSPENSE! - tomorrow. G'night.

♥ N

Baby-Makin': an introduction

For some months now, D and I have been itching to start a blog of our very own. After all, all of our friends are doing it. So, we tried. We just weren't *inspired* you could say. We needed... something... a project, a muse, a gimmick. And then we got one. We decided to have a baby. A baby would give our lives a sense of purpose and *bonus* we would have something fascinating to blog about. We are hoping to blog through this entire process - from pre-conception, to conception, to preggo, to baby. I imagine that this might be a real challenge; the odds are high that this experience will have some serious low points and, of course, there are no guarantees that it will all end well. But my love and I are not to be deterred. Lesbian baby-makin' is on the agenda.


♥ N